The Money Management Center is an invaluable resource for students at UNT, educating young scholars on financial aid, credit building, budgeting, and other stress inducing topics that are better left tucked deep into the pit of your stomach. On Monday, as a handful of students gathered for the MMC’s “New Semester, New You” seminar, a somewhat bedraggled old man wandered in the room. Unlike last time, this was not an escaped senior from Our Lady of Adjournment Care Center; this was Bernie “The Middle Class Maverick” Sanders: Guardian of the Socialists and only 1 of 3 presidential candidates to not currently have a wax shrine of Ronald Reagan sitting in their prayer closet. Waving away a microphone he deemed too fancy, the Vermont senator addressed the crowd of 10 as “sisters and brothers.”
“Until I am president and college is free for every American, you kids are gonna have student debt up to you tuchus, so listen up,” Mr. Sanders discussed with moving sentiments and alarming hand gestures the importance of carpooling to save money and polar bears, and avoiding unnecessary purchases on things such as combs and a second tie. “One blue one is all you need,” he stressed vehemently.
Next on the itinerary was smart shopping for textbooks. “If you feel your professor is taking advantage of you by forcing you to buy an overpriced textbook they wrote, it’s crucial to unionize.” The presidential candidate moved swiftly to a self-made VHS from the 70s entitled Feed the Masses, Starve the Establishment: Healthy Eating on a Budget for Radicals, pausing only to ask for assistance with the “clicker.” Feeling galvanized, one student — clearly in the later stages of ramen poisoning —lodged a complaint against the local CVS for taking advantage of the lack of grocery stores around campus by marking up their products. “We need to start a grassroots movement and tell the big convenience stores they don’t own us! It is a fundamental right to have access to reasonably priced Emergen-C during flu season!” said Mr. Sanders, already getting to work on a picket sign.
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Of course, not every attendee was receptive to Bernie’s left wing witchcraft. Economics major and gentrification enthusiast Brady Foreman criticized the senator for his remarks on big banks, claiming it would be a great mark of achievement to work for a company like Goldman Sachs. Sanders, still pondering words that rhyme with CVS, responded in kind to the talking pair of boating shoes, “Sure, if you wanna reduce yourself to some mercenary billionaire, gorging on the sweat of the dying working class from your bed of roses on Wall Street while turning the American dream into a cheap farce we tell our children in order to give them a few more years of dignity before the inevitable realization sets in – please do not hoverboard around the room when I am admonishing the 1%.” At press time, Sanders added they (hoverboards) “shouldn’t be trusted.”
All in all, the evening was everything a money management seminar shouldn’t be: inspiring, provocative, and not a complete waste of time. That monumental night, 10 UNT students truly felt the Bern, which we are pleased to report is more of a pleasant tingling sensation. As senior Erin Harland put it, “I am so excited that I actually got to meet Colonel Sanders. I love chicken.”