One of our most trusted sources in Greek Life has told us about the man, the myth, and the bro who just won’t quit—Brad (last name redacted), the king of all things Big. Literally, figuratively, this kid is a mammoth, in more ways than one. Big Brad is a brother at Zeta Beta Feta. The only thing missing was his big brother—not literal big brother, his frat brother.
Brad’s big was never really around—he wasn’t really ZBF material. So Brad made it his mission to be the best brother he could be to a Fall ‘14. Big Brad wanted to be the perfect big, and he’s been planning how to win over his little bro since day one. Sure, it’s kind of creepy, maybe a little weird. Actually, very weird. But ZBF was the best thing to ever happen to Brad; all Brad wanted was to make his little’s experience with ZBF the best in the world.
“Brad’s been planning for his little for quite a long time,” said a brother of ZBF. “It’s kind of creepy. Like, he barely knows the kid and he’s going crazy. He’s been crafting…like, bro. No one needs a Chevron beer koozie.”
Big Brad has been assigned his little brother, Little Jimmy. Little Jimmy is just the type of little Brad wants—cool, smart, and obviously the best. How couldn’t he be the best? When Little Jimmy chose ZBF Brad was going to make sure that Jimmy had the best four years of his life.
“I found out that Big Brad was going to be my big brother,” Jimmy told our source. “At first, I was cool with it, but things started to get really weird really fast. I never knew the truth about Brad or why people would laugh when I told them.
Then, one day I came home from class to a basket of Sports Illustrated, beer, a ZBF fanny pack, and an Aztec print paddle with my initials on it. The next day, Brad texted me that he was going to take me to get Los Tres Amigos. I would’ve said no, but I’m in no position to turn down free guac. He picked me up and it all kind of went downhill from there.”
Big Brad took Little Jimmy to Los Tres and planned on wining and dining him on burritos and fishbowls. He wanted to show Jimmy that he could be fun, and obviously was going to be there for him in thick and thin. Whenever Jimmy had lady problems, Brad wanted him to be able to share his issues. If he was slacking in school, Brad could easily get a nerd to do Jimmy’s homework. If Jimmy needed a condom, a half gal, or a shoulder to cry on, Brad would be by his side. And over chips and salsa, Brad let Jimmy know.
“Brad thinks he really won over Jimmy,” said his unnamed brother. “I don’t think Brad realizes that Big/Little is way different for frats than sororities. I mean, Jimmy just happened to get Brad. Poor son of a bitch.”
When asked how his relationship with Brad was going, Jimmy smiled, but his eyes spoke fear. “Uh, he’s okay. As long as he stops squatting and making me take pictures on his back, I think we’ll be cool.”