After “Our Campus,” a collection of Snapchats made by PSU students viewable to everyone with a smart phone, rolled out, one student sent an inappropriate Snapchat to the rest of the campus. PSU junior Will Aarons snapped a picture of his micro-penis five minutes after “Our Campus” was introduced.
In an interview with The Black Sheep, Aarons, also a member of the Penn State College Republicans (unrelated, but still), stated that he wanted to get out of his comfort-zone. “I’ve always been self-conscious about my, you know, dysfunction,” said Aarons. “But I wanted to finally say that I have a micro-penis, and I’m proud of it. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.”
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So now, as a campus, the weight is on our shoulders. Many PSU students have demonstrated their disgust with a petition to have Aarons expelled and banished into Siberia, land of the micropenises. The student-led petition has garnered almost 45,000 students. Practically every PSU student has signed the petition, with the exception of the blind, those who don’t have smart phones, and Penn State College Republicans.
Minutes after the horrific event, stocks for the app company fell 400,000,000 points, into the negatives. The founder of the app released a statement: “We accept full responsibility for what has happened. We are also currently filing for chapter 7 bankruptcy. Who knew that such a tiny penis could have such an astounding impact on a community.”
The Pennsylvania Attorney General’s office released a statement this afternoon regarding the incident. “We have not yet decided whether or not Will Aarons will be charged with indecent exposure of the first degree, but it is very likely he will. I saw it, and it was just horrible. Just horrible,” said State Attorney General Kathleen Kane.
The Black Sheep spoke with sophomore Sarah Blitz, who opened the horrific Snapchat while in class. “It was extremely disgusting, like what the hell is that? It looked like a deformed turtle nervously peeking its head out of the grass,” said Blitz. “I recently overcame PTSD and now I have it again. The picture also turned me into a lesbian.”
Penn State is now offering free psychiatric services for those that are currently suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder due to the incident. If you happen to also have a tiny a needle dick, are a College Republican (or both) please seek these services before it’s too late.