On November 5th, self-proclaimed social media personality, Joshua Feuerstein uploaded an impassioned speech to his Facebook page in protest of this year’s minimalist design on Starbucks’s famous red holiday cups. He alleges that Starbucks had the very Grinch-esque plan to take “Christ and Christmas” off of their cups and, therefore, destroy Jesus and, probably, the world. Despite the fact that there is no rule prohibiting Starbucks employees from saying “Merry Christmas” to a customer, Feuerstein has decided that this is the case and His subsequent #merrychristmasstarbucks campaign has taken the interwebz by storm. Being a source of gritty, hard-hitting journalism, The Black Sheep launched a full investigation into this stirring controversy and has discovered shocking new evidence that Starbucks nefarious plot is even darker than their Sumatra roast.
Firstly, THANK YOU, Joshua Feuerstein; you are a hero for bringing this to light. Almost as great a hero as the beautiful, elegant Caitlyn Jenner. Being a middle-aged, white Christian male (with possibly the most Jewish sounding name we have ever heard), you clearly understand persecution better than many of us could hope to. What better way to send a message to an international corporation than by sending droves of people in to buy their products? Way to hit ‘em where it hurts!
Admittedly, The Black Sheep has been ignorant to some important truths of this world and we are thankful to Feuerstein for being our shepherd and showing us the way. For example, we had no idea that Christians were the target of such hate in the US! We kind of assumed with the whole majority religion thing and Kim Davis getting away with all her nonsense that Christians were kind of getting a free pass on a lot of things; like, religious privilege type things. Also, thanks for the reminder that freedom of religion only applies to Christians! We were totally confused about that whole “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof” part. We always took that to mean that there was no one religion that gets total dominance and that all religions were welcome in America (and certainly in a Starbucks). Forgive us this trespass, St. Feuerstein!
Our investigation into Starbucks’s red cups has yielded some shocking revelations about the dark side of the coffee mogul. We were stunned to discover that Starbucks has NEVER featured Christian symbols on their cups EVER! No Jesus. No angels. No crosses or mangers and shit. Usually just typical winter scenes like snowmen or holiday lights. You might be thinking this is because they’re trying to appeal to their international consumer base, which includes folks not in ‘Murica and of religions outside Christianity, but you’d be wrong. Feuerstein was right. They’ve hated Jesus all along. That Christmas Blend coffee they sell is just a distraction. Starbucks hates Christmas.
But it gets much worse than that. Looking back on previous cup designs, one will find such adornments as snowflakes, Christmas tree, and ornaments. Perfectly harmless and jolly, right? WRONG! The modern Christmas tree is derived from Pagan practices of decorating tree limbs with replicas of Bacchus. Bacchus is the god of tits and wine, y’all. That’s some hardcore pagan, orgy worshipping shit. The King James Bible (yeah, the one written by Jesus) even condemns Christmas trees. Jeremiah 10:2-4, for you studious types. Snowflakes are associated with winter. Winter as in Winter Solstice! ANOTHER PAGAN HOLIDAY! Starbucks isn’t just leaving out Jesus, they’re slipping heathen, Pagan symbols right under our noses! They tricked us into believing that Jesus actually had the monopoly on fun holiday shit like Christmas trees.
It’s obvious that Starbucks has slowly been brainwashing us into becoming godless heathens with past holiday designs, but now they’ve taken it too far. This year’s red cup features a minimalist solid red design. You know what else is solid red? SATAN! That’s right! Starbucks has gone full Satan with their cups and all hell is gonna break loose!
Happy Hellacious Holidays and have a (satanic) Peppermint Mocha for us!