Previously thought to be a myth, The Black Sheep has confirmed that anyone who views Brother Jedd’s scandalous sex tape will die after seven days. It’s impossible to know how many people this sex tape has taken from the world or the hundreds of people harmed in the production of this tape, but we’ve been able to piece together how the latest group of casualties died.
The Latest Case: According to friends and family, two weeks ago, junior Caroline Morton and her boyfriend Noah Bridges were staying at the iHotel for a “romantic staycation.” The couple booked a room on one of the iHotel’s few busy days of the year, the only room left was an old, shitty one in the basement. There, they discovered a dusty tape with the words “JEDD IN BED” written across it. Intrigued by the vintage technology, they put the tape into the VCR and watched in horror and confusion. When the strange jumble of movements finally stopped on the screen, the room’s phone began to ring. Bewildered, Caroline answered and an angelic voice whispered “seven days, you will be in the hands of Christ” and hung up. One week later, Caroline and Noah were found in an English Building maintenance closet with their eyes gouged out.
Why Did it Happen?: Because authorities couldn’t figure out Caroline and Noah’s cause of death, Caroline’s aunt, Laurie Morton, decided to take matters into her own hands. Laurie went to the hotel on a weekday and demanded to stay in the same shitty room in the basement. The desk clerk was confused, “You could have any room in this vacant hotel. Why would you want to stay in that dungeon?” Laurie insisted. Upon entering the room she found the tape. Hands shaking, she inserted the tape into the VCR, what followed was another terrifying viewing of what can only be described as a “holy massacre of millions of the lord’s sacred semen.” When the tape finished, the phone rang and that same voice whispered “seven days, you will be in the hands of Christ” and hung up. Laurie has two days left of her seven. We were able to meet up with her to try and figure out just what she saw.
The First-Hand Account: Laurie tried to describe the chaotic images on the screen to us saying, “I think I saw multiple images of horses? One might have had a crucifix in its ass, I don’t know! It was a real big crucifix. It just all went by so fast!” Sweating profusely, Laurie went on to describe a few images that were burned into her mind. “It’s all still so confusing. I didn’t know that followers of God were able to invoke the power of the devil in such scandalous ways,” Laurie said through heavy sobs, while she squeezed soap into her eyes. “I think the key to solving this case is trying to figure out who the poor woman was in the tape. I mean, I think that thing was a woman. I mean, that had to be a vagina, right?” Laurie was stupid enough to make a copy of the tape, so who knows how many of these deadly tapes other idiots produced.
If anyone has any information about the woman in the tape, please come forward. Your input could save the life of Laurie and hundreds – or even thousands – of other viewers. Time is limited, so please act quickly.