Campus dining halls everywhere have begun halting the availability of fruit, citing lack of demand.
“Students just don’t want to eat their fucking fruits. With their newfound freedom most of these dumbasses just decide to eat waffles and cake for every meal,” UW-Milwaukee dining hall chef Jeff “Sailor Mouth” Cleft told The Black Sheep. “The only people I ever see get fruit are basic bitches who are trying to stay hot so they can wear revealing clothes when they go out in 10-degree winter weather. But then I see them go get a Clif Bar and I’m like, ‘ the fuck? do you know how much sugar is in that bitch?’ Why even bother to eat healthy at all?!”
In the place of fruit, dining halls have been scrambling to find a tasty alternative that is still just as healthy.
“We tried adding cantaloupe on top of chocolate cake recently, but those savages just picked off the fruit and ate the cake!” one OSU chef said.
“We’ve been pretty successful with the implementation of our smoothie bar,” Stacey Wrigfield, head of dining services at Michigan State, reported. “That was, until we began using non-fat yogurt in our smoothies. I mean, the students still get smoothies, but now they dip their waffles in them so they don’t have to sacrifice that delicious, fatty taste.”
Michelle Obama has been highly vocal about this issue, seeing it as an attack on all the progress she’s made to get healthy foods in schools across the nation.
“Seriously guys? I didn’t spend the last 8 years of my life taking brownies out of your high school lunch lines for you to go to college and pick the fruit off of your goddamn chocolate cake,” the Obama said in her recent speech regarding the lack of fruit on campus dining halls. “Stop having self-destructive free will! I’m literally just trying to help you not get fat and live a healthy, long life! You Melania gives a shit about your health? I mean, she might, but then she’s just piggybacking off my work and saying it was her idea.”
Michelle Obama’s heartfelt speech hasn’t done much in regards to changing the current projection of the cuisine of campus dining halls, however, as many students simply don’t have the will to do what she asks.
“Like, I get what she’s saying, I need to eat healthier,” Wisconsin junior Shelly Bifford said in response to the former First Lady’s speech. “But like, I LOVE chocolate. And pasta. And, like, fruits are okay, but come on, I’m hot and skinny already and all I eat is Moonbars and Chipotle. I’m basically a god. Michelle’s just being a fun-sucking bitch like she always is. You know, I heard she wasn’t even born in the United States.”
Campuses across the nation continue to search for a healthy alternative to fruits, with Rutgers’ kale bar being the closest any campus has come to achieving this goal so far.
Listen to our podcast!