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Ups and Downs: The Cathedral Elevators Renovation

Cathedral elevators: love or hate them they are the only means of transportation up and down our beautiful phallic monument of learning. They save you from sweating on to the person passing you in the stairwell and keep you from exerting any more energy to get to your 8a.m. film studies class as possible. Yes, the elevators are saviors and they have finally been updated, however the new elevators may be even more sinister than before.


If you don’t recall, working the OTIS elevators in the Cathedral of Learning was about as easy as getting a paranoid schizophrenic who is tripping balls to get off your porch. Chancellor Gallagher finally decided that something needed to be done, because even he was fed up. So this summer, the university set out on another grand project, but this time they had some built in surprises. In a recent press conference Gallagher described the new changes:


“Sure, most elevators are now able to reach every floor and do so in a quickly manner. However, what is different from most elevators is the fact that the new ones fire up the shaft faster than a freshman running through Forbes traffic. Additionally, the digital aspect is quite nice. It does terrify you when all the doors open at one time and you feel as though they are all calling out to you to take their elevator, it almost makes you think they’re sentient. These two improvements do have their ups and downs (chuckles), but there is one more important piece of technology that the engineers added.”


“We all know the saying, ‘kill two birds with one stone.’ Now, what if the stone was an elevator and the birds are college students who have class, but also left the last Pitt football game before it was over,” he continued. “Which is why I’m proud to announce that I have installed a teleportation device that reads your Panther Card as you cross the threshold of the elevator, and then sends you back to the final quarter of the last Pitt game or delivers you to class safe and sound.”


Gallagher explained that this feature came out of necessity. The Office of Student Affairs and the Chancellor’s office tried really hard to push the #4QUARTERS initiative to entice students to stay, but that was quickly demolished after students began chanting #3QUARTERS. The new technology is called the Pupil List of Extended Attendance and Sad Exit Scanning Technology At Your Game. For convenience, this has been condensed to just P.L.E.A.S.E.S.T.A.Y.G. (the G is silent).


The university announced that the teleportation device will be used as frequently as possible to begin to change the current football culture of students getting hammered and leaving. Faculty also realized that the most important commodity to a student is time.


Big Daddy Gallagher concluded, “It’s an uphill battle. The student body is so powerful in its way of making group decisions without speaking, but once you can bend space time, you can basically take an entire student population hostage.”


The Black Sheep is very interested in exactly how intense this ride in the teleportation elevator will be. We hope that students understand that teleportation is supposed to be a punishment, not an excuse to travel back in time. However, the school did overlook one fact: now students have a reason to be late to class.


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