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Chainsmokers Celebrate “Closer” Being Played for the Trillionth Time at One Frat

The Theta Chi Fraternity’s Syracuse chapter congratulated EDM sensation The Chainsmokers yesterday for reaching one trillion plays of their hit song “Closer” featuring Halsey on the frat’s party playlist. Chapter President Mitch McDonald issued a statement regarding the accomplishment:

“The Chainsmokers and Halsey have been blessing fraternity basements across the country with their predictable pattern and clichéd lyrics for the entirety of the 2016 fall semester. Me and my fellow Syracuse Theta Chi brothers would like to take this time to acknowledge “Closer” for what it really is; an anthem for those who just want to bang someone they used to care about half a decade ago. Isn’t there a little bit of that in all of us? Congratulations on your trillionth play, Chainsmokers.”

Andrew Taggart, the youngest Chainsmoker but certainly just as important as the elder Alex Pall, recalls a time when music was just for fun. In recent weeks, it has become so much more.

“I used to just sit in my dorm fiddling around with different beats on Garageband and smoking weed. I’d make these really shitty songs that I never wanted anyone to hear. They were just for me,” he said. “But one day Alex was in town visiting a friend and he heard me making something. He said ‘You know, man, we could really make some money off of that Garbageband crap.’ BOOM. The Chainsmokers were born. Now our song is being played more than the Bible is read.”

Although Psy’s “Gangnam Style” and Disney’s “It’s A Small World” are adamantly played on streaming sites like Spotify and SoundCloud millions of times over, Theta Chi Syracuse has been playing “Closer” on dozens of individual iHomes and boomboxes for week to help The Chainsmokers out with this accomplishment.

“In all seriousness, I thought we were celebrating the quadrillionth play of closer in this house,” said Theta Chi brother, Josh Childress. “I can’t tell you how many dreams I’ve had this semester that take place in the back seat of a Rover with some hot chick. The song plays all night. It’s all we listen to, really.”

Halsey, the relatively unknown artist responsible for singing the female role in the song, was ecstatic about the group’s accomplishment.

“First, I changed my name from Ashley to Halsey so the world would know how unique I am as an individual. Then, I recorded a verse for a song that I didn’t write. Now, I’m talking about how incredible it is that our tune has been played a trillion times in a dingy frat basement. What a time to be alive,” she said.

The Chainsmokers are busy in the studio working on their next viral hit “Further,” which is a song concerning the same subjects of loss and lust that can be found in “Closer.” After already achieving the seemingly impossible, the group hopes to make this track the first song heard by alien life forms.

No, you can’t use shacking to justify being “technically homeless.”



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