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Chancellor Literally Stands Outside Student Union, Begs for More Money

 

UNC Charlotte Chancellor Phil Dubois made a special appearance on campus this week outside of the Student Union. Witnesses say they saw Dubois with a banner that said “Please give me money,” and a large tip jar placed delicately on ground next to him as he smiled eagerly at everyone passing by. Many students were outraged at this sight.

 

Chancellor Dubois has been faced with some criticism over the past week after news of his massive pay raise has been released to public. Reports show that this pay raise comes with the ever increasing student tuition and, with Dubois seeing a raise of nearly 20%, the UNCC community is not pleased. To add insult to injury, he continued to beg for more money from the very people that are paying his salary of nearly $390,000 a year. We reached out to witnesses for comment on the situation.

 

“I’ve heard about the pay raise and our tuition going up, but I didn’t think he would literally just ask for more cash. When people would go up to him to ask what was going on, he would say ‘The banner says it all’ and then pick up his tip jar and shake it until the students left,” senior Cameron Mayor claimed. “It was a disgusting sight. I had to leave immediately because Dubois made eye contact with me at one point, flashed that creepy smile, and starting shaking his tip jar again. And his suit! Oh God, the suit!”

 

During this fiasco, students also made concerned comments towards Dubois’ attire, saying he was wearing a suit with a design that eerily resembled the new Atkins Library carpet. This sparked questions amongst UNCC and rumors have been confirmed that Dubois might was the mastermind behind the library’s newest, grotesque redesign.

 

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As an obvious fan of this… interesting pattern, his sudden plea for more money hints towards the need for more funds to change every carpet on campus to that shade of neon green from hell. Shocked that Dubois would use his own personal funds for this bizarre obsession, students started voicing their opinions on where else he should direct this newly acquired wealth.

 

“Why doesn’t he donate his cash towards the renovation of Belk Tower?! Or put Burson out of its misery and finally tear it down? We definitely need a new chemistry building that wasn’t still standing during the Reagan era,” sophomore Tyler Hunt remarked. “I mean, come on! No offense, but that carpet is the biggest eyesore on campus. He was obviously promoting that design with his suit outside of the Student Union, and it blinded so many civilians. I’m pretty sure a few freshmen are in the hospital. It was a disaster.”

 

When The Black Sheep approached Chancellor Dubois for comment outside of the Student Union, he grabbed his tip jar and made a run for it. The jar appeared to have been empty. Witnesses say that right before we arrived, Dubois was crying and repeatedly mumbled “This isn’t enough. I need more,” while clutching his tip jar close to his tear stained suit. Dubois has not been available for comment and has still been seen around campus. Trust us, you can’t miss him.

 

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