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Class Scheduling at Pitt: A Dark Secret

Midterm grades have been returned, tears have been left on the floors of Clapp, Chevron, and Posvar, and stress is at an all time high. Why? It’s because Spring Scheduling Classes Season is here.


Scheduling for spring semester is a lovely time when Pitt students get to realize that the class they’re losing sleep over and can’t seem to understand is being offered during the spring, and, from the looks of it, they are in for another long ride. Some students are seen sprinting to Thackeray to confirm with an advisor that a SciFi class would work with a philosophy major, and others are posting on all social media to find the best professor of macroeconomics. Whatever your major, scheduling classes is a time where Pitt students forget their workload and freak out that they once again have to decide their futures with nothing but a quick advising appointment to guide them in a direction that could effect the rest of their lives.


However, why is it that all students seem to have a mental break down while scheduling classes? Why do they figure out their schedule the night before when that is what should happen during their appointment? What is happening during those advising appointments that makes even the most driven student forget to ask the most basic of questions? The Black Sheep decided to investigate, and the results are terrifying.


“Yeah like I walked in at 8:30 a.m. for my advising appointment and everyone was cheery and happy to see me, so naturally I was like WOW these people must be super helpful,” Jaime Dixon, a sophomore English Writing Major with a minor in Slavic (Vampire) Studies told us after a lovely advising appointment.


Like enablers to a week man’s Chipotle addiction, Pitt advisors love the students who come in with an idea about what they want to study.


Jaime described how he approached that day, “I had a small idea of what I wanted to do. I knew I needed to knock out some gen-eds, but I also had this professor I really wanted to take for fiction writing, and I wanted to know if I should save some of my gen-ed requirements for when I study abroad. Just a couple simple questions, you know basic stuff.” Jaime then started to pace around the tables of Nordy’s.


“She greeted me with the smile of the Cheshire Cat. I sat down; we talked about the latest episode of Scandal. She wrote down that I was no longer restricted from enrolling. We hugged. I left. It wasn’t until the I walked out of Thackeray Hall that I realized I never asked any of the questions that I needed to.” Suddenly, Jaime got eerily quiet.


He looked side to side and whispered across the table:


I was hypnotized. She hypnotized me into not discussing anything relevant. She got in my head!” The revelation shuttered him back and he immediately left the room, never to return.


Apart from Jaime’s crazed look, what he said made so much sense. When speaking to several other students who claimed to be victims of the advising department’s hypnotism, it was uncovered that this hypnotic feeling is not an isolated incident to Jaime. Many other students have felt it upon leaving their own advisors. Whether it is the fashion of chatting about Pitt football team (Peewee Division) or about the awkwardness in Taylor Swift’s new album, most students seem to have fallen under their spell and never remembered to ask the questions they needed to, or even discuss the options they had. 


The Black Sheep is against any and all use of misdirection or lampooning of innocent students’ minds here at the beautiful University of Pittsburgh. We strongly believe in being as straightforward and transparent as humanly possible. With our strong values, we feel it is our duty to give you two ways to combat this ghastly act. 


1.) Never smile.
Smiling will show that you are a friendly person who just wants someone to talk to. Smiling will make you an easy target. Instead, a thousand yard stare or a complete frown will allow you to confuse the advisor long enough to get a few questions in.


2.) Full Eye Contact or No Eye Contact
Establishing the dominant figure in this interaction is important in not succumbing to their hypnotism. By either not looking them in the eye or by staring, they will get the sense that you are simply there to get your questions answered. Additionally, they will most likely be overcome by a terribly awkward feeling, and that will allow your calm self be able to evade their advances.


Using these weapons against hypnotism, we hope students will no longer be fooled into leaving their advisor until all their questions are answered. As a result, the added stress of scheduling your classes can be lifted from your shoulders during the hour session in the beginning of the semester. Take back your sanity with these tips, and for everyone praying that that one class you need to take opens up again, The Black Sheep is pulling for you.



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