Ah, autumn. Pumpkin Spice Lattes, red and orange leaves, slutty Halloween costumes . . . and overheated buildings. Nothing says fall like an arctic blast outside and passing out from heat stroke inside.
For those poor souls in the dorms without A/C, the first month or so of school was like living inside an oven. Who knew Hell was actually Ellicott? Then sometime around the end of September, Maryland decided that it was time to start throwing dice with the weather and we all alternated between roasting and freezing. (It’s not Reslife’s fault that Maryland has the most bipolar weather on the planet, but, boy, it’s hard to not hate their inability to keep up.)
When the world ends, will it be in ice, fire, or both?
So when last week all on-campus residents got that ominous email from Reslife, it was hard not to cringe. “We expect to have the heat on in your building before the end of the day tomorrow.” Oh, the irony. After a month of enduring nature’s brand of heat stroke, we have to brace ourselves for Reslife’s. Apparently there’s only one setting for the thermostat: hot. Very, very hot. You know you live in a UMD dorm when it’s normal in 40 degree weather to leave the window open and fall asleep in tank top and shorts.
And it’s not just on-campus residents, either. We’ve all endured UMD’s inability to control a thermostat. There’s a chill in the air, so you pile on the layers. Uggs, gloves, scarves, coat, and hat. Your dorm is on North Campus and your first class is in the Armory, so the walk is like a trek to the North Pole. Your nose is red from the cold, your heart’s beating and you’re seriously considering moving to Hawaii . . . then you set foot into the building and get bowled over by a blast of heat. No, you realize, warmth is overrated. Suddenly all of those extra layers feel like an elaborate torture device and you start yanking them off. You spend the first five minutes of class in a ball of sweat, wondering how it’s possible to freeze one minute and roast the next. And you know that fifty minutes later you’ll have to leave the building and go through the entire cycle again.
So you can’t trust Maryland weather to be sane. And you certainly can’t count on classrooms to keep up. So what’s the solution? What beacon of hope can we offer you in these troubling times?
Well … there really is none. Hope is dead, where temperature is concerned. At this point, your best bet is to spend as much time as possible in Footnotes or the Starbucks in Stamp, where at least you can choose between iced and hot coffee. We recommend ordering one of each and drinking as your personal hot or cold flashes demand. When the outside forces of weather, God, and Reslife fail you, take solace in the power of overpriced drinks. (And if this forces you to take bathroom breaks more often than usual, then check out our recommendations about Public Pooping Anxiety, here!)
Stay warm, Terps! Or cold. Or whatever. It’s not really up to you.