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Come On Cathy, Light My Fire

The fall semester took off last week, filling the streets with the familiarity of j-walking, backpack wearing college kids. With temperatures in the nineties all week, the first days of class for Pitt students have been nothing short of sweltering and the relief of entering a lecture hall equipped with an adequate air conditioning system has become a luxury unfamiliar to most. One cannot enter a Cathedral stairwell nor one of Cathy’s overcrowded restroom without witnessing the bitching and moaning of sweat-drenched Panthers. As we looked into this interesting, 37-story phenomenon, The Black Sheep discovered that the rising temperatures may be accredited to more than the lack of AC.


For a cathedral engineer, this constant and toasty reminder of inadequacy is a living hell (oh wait… maybe that’s just because it’s more unbearable than the depths of Hades in here…). It seems, that in the deepest darkest basements of Cathy, a deranged engineer by the name of Bill Datphyer had lost all fucks to give, and built himself a fire. At first inspired by the annual bonfire held on the Cathedral lawn, this long time caretaker of the historical stone building had merely planned to roast himself a couple of marshmallows and throw together some s’mores in the comfort of the cellar. However, Datphyer found that when he finished his little cookout, he could not escape the suffocating heat. It began to drive him mad. After hours spent in front of window units, box fans, and personal misting machines, it was decided that if the heat couldn’t be controlled, it must be rivaled.


On Thursday, with his temper running hotter than a bottle of Fireball, the aforementioned Cathedral engineer set all basement units ablaze, making for the shittiest most stifling Friday that Oakland has ever known. So as we sat boiling in our seats, cursing the humidity and the gray t-shirts we decided were an okay idea on a day like this, there was an underlying flame burning beneath our shoes. But fear not, upon this discovery, the flames were quickly dampened and the engineer removed from duty.  


“We are shocked and saddened by the actions of our valued staff member. We knew that Bill was a campfire aficionado, but we had no idea he’d go pyro on our asses,” said Chancellor Gallagher in a statement issued over the weekend, “the future of the bonfire is not looking up for us today, we never thought it’d go this far. Your next week of classes should go back to a livable temperature, and perhaps you won’t feel like a walking baked potato, just a slightly browned one.”


“After roasting in my South O apartment everyday, it’ll be nice to finally find some comfort in class and not worry about the sweat stains ruining my reputation, so I’m really glad they caught the guy,” said Pitt senior Bethany James.


Further news on Datphyer’s charges will emerge within the upcoming week. It is the opinion of this publication that burning him at the stake is the only reasonable punishment. Until then, wear as little clothing as possible without making yourself publicly indecent and pray for pumpkin spice season.

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