Wisconsin mother Carrie Anderson, from a small town in the Midwest that’s so small we’re not even going to bother telling you, made national news late last week when she refused her son’s admission to his dream school NYU. This refusal was due to fear that a college education would turn him into “one of those Clinton-humping liberals” so close to the presidential election.
“Oh, you bet’cha I love my son,” Carrie told The Black Sheep, “which is why I can’t have him going to some liberal arts college and getting educated by liberal professors about liberalism! He was raised in a conservative home with conservative values. I will not have some professor who thinks they know everything about the world at large because of their 10 years of higher education and tens of thousands of dollars in student loans brainwash my child into thinking like one of those zombified college students who just spew out gunk their professors say without actually knowing what the heck they’re talking about.”
Billie Anderson, the son in question, is not too happy about his mother’s actions. “I mean, I got a scholarship to NYU, and I’ve always dreamed of living in the Big Apple. They’re ranked as one of the best schools in the nation, so when I heard I got accepted into New York after being declined from UW-Madison, I was pretty excited,” Billie explained. “So was my mom, until she watched a special episode of The O’Reilly Factor where Bill O’Reilly screamed a list of reasons why being educated makes someone more liberal to argue an argument that no one was arguing in the first place. After that, she gave me the ultimatum to decline my admission or go to college and never be welcomed back home again. Like, I’m only 18, I can’t afford to live by myself. I have 4 dollars split between 3 bank accounts.”
Following the traction Billie’s story received in the popular press, a user by the name of GoGoBeanSac has created a Kickstarter for the would-be college student, with all the funds going to help support Billie’s lifestyle in the big city.
“I think it’s great,” Billie said when asked his feelings about the Kickstarter. “I looked at it this morning. 3,000 people just gave me money. I’ve never even met these people and they’re all like ‘here ya go, shut up and take my hard-earned cash. You deserve it.’ Hillary Clinton donated 10,000 dollars! Now I have to vote for her, regardless of how much dishonor it’ll bring to my family and ancestors.”
Billie has already received enough money from the Kickstarter to fund his first 3 years at NYU, however, he doesn’t believe he’ll be attending college anytime soon. “Sure I have money, but I can’t go from having a loving, caring mother who does my laundry to essentially orphan status overnight. Plus, who’s going to help me move to New York? You?” Billie said, breaking the fourth wall. “Nah, I’ll probably just live at home and spend all this money on, like, an authentic Darth Vader costume or something. I’ve always wanted one of those.”
Geraldo: Me, Myself, and My Moustache (and the Andersons), a one-hour special that will delve further into the Anderson family debacle, will air Tuesday September 13 at 9/8c on the Fox News Channel.