Making light of the all too familiar news he had just received, Driehaus College of Business graduate Richard Denim took the rejection from his twenty-second job application as if his future still held any shred of hope. According to reports, the 23-year-old remains at peace and is even feeling optimistic despite failing to receive a job offer from the company his friends said a squirrel could land an offer at.
“I’m obviously bummed, but I’m sure it’ll work out eventually. I’ll just keep on sending out my resume and continue working my current gig at Chipotle,” said a smiling Denim, oblivious to the fact that free burritos and a $10 per hour wage will never allow him to live a prosperous and fulfilling life.
“I mean who knows, you know? This could be a sign from the universe telling me to slow down, enjoy the free time, and maybe even take the time to finally learn how to play the harmonica,” he added, as if he’s not destined for a life of constant depression, never allowing him to make the effort to emotionally connect with other human beings. Therefore, ruining his chances of ever starting a family or simply finding a good friend or two that he can watch the weekend sports games with.
“Things could be a lot worse, at least I know my parents will help me out for a few weeks, months, or maybe a year tops until I’m able to stand on my own two feet,” said the agonizingly unqualified Denim.
When asked about their son’s recent luck, Richard’s parents had the following comments, “for the price-tag on his degree, he better find one hell of job. I mean seriously, he better be neck-fucking deep in bonuses and stock options.”
According to a close friend of Richard, he’s recently come under the impression that there are plenty of other good jobs outside of the city. “I think I have an uncle who can help me out with a sales job in Iowa City. I know it’s no Chicago, but I’m sure I could learn to love it over time,” he added of the painfully bleak future ahead of him.
At press time, Denim was struggling to hold back a flood of tears as he told reporters “I’m going to march into my next interview with all the confidence of the world, and tell them that my biggest weakness is actually my greatest strength. I’m not giving up just yet.”