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DePaul Student Attempts to Capture Quad Bunny

Local DePaul post-grad Brandon Walker made a big impression on the school’s incoming freshmen at this year’s Fall Student Involvement Fair, a debacle that DePaul administrators are calling “the most shameful incident in DePaul alumni history.”

 

“I’ve just never been able to catch one,” Walker stated in an interview, remarking about the famous rabbits that peacefully roam DePaul’s grounds and neighboring areas. “I used to go to the Quad to wind down and write some Yelp reviews, but the rabbits kept taunting me. They’re always up to something, always one step ahead of me. Gotta get into their heads, shake ‘em up a bit.” The rabbits are well known for #occupying the Quad and scurrying away from passing students, but this year Walker finally decided to take matters into his own hands.

 

Just as the various clubs were getting into the swing of the Involvement Fair, Walker raced across the Quad after a rabbit, knocking over several new students in the process.  Walker was heard yelling obscenities while in pursuit of the animal, quickly berating a neighborhood mother when he tripped over her stroller.

 

Swiftly spotting another rabbit, Walker adopted a new approach, cautiously approaching it from behind. Lines of students gave him a wide berth as a small crowd started to form around the scene. At around a dozen feet away, Walker dove toward the rabbit, scaring it into the congested pathways.

 

In order to bypass the throngs of students, Walker ran across the tables set up by DePaul clubs, sororities, and fraternity organizations, eventually crashing through a popcorn machine as one of the tables collapsed.  “Got a few battle scars,” Walker remarked, gesturing to the bandages covering a few small lacerations on his face.  “Almost had him, though.”  Several of the onlookers later stated that Walker “wasn’t even close.”

 

Some of Walker’s acquaintances were asked for a statement, to which most responded with looks of embarrassment.  “I wouldn’t really call him a friend,” said Walker’s previous U-Hall roommate Steven Cain. “He’s been staring at those bunnies since I met him freshman year. Between that, all the weed, and capping out at two shots of Admiral Nelson’s I just thought it would be better to leave him to his thoughts.”

 

Police were not called to the scene, but Public Safety was later instructed to bar Walker from entering the Quad again.  Walker vowed to catch the rabbit, falling to his knees amidst broken glass and popcorn, yelling into the large crowd, a sight a passing DePaul senior noted as “the best thing I’ve seen since Brian dropped out of school after a game of landmines.”

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