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DePaul Students Desperate for Jobs, Literally Any Jobs

The school year has henceforth begun and all the students have rejoiced. The big problem for most students, however, isn’t maintaining those grades or making new friends. No, the problem for students now is making moo-lah. We’re talking about that green stuff, dat cheddar, some bling-bling. Jobs. Students need jobs.


Many incoming students have noticed that their financial aid package just isn’t cutting it when it comes to getting the alcohol they need to party all week long. However, there are a few lucky students who have noticed that magical work-study scholarship on their package. We found one such student, Robert Mathis, last week and asked him what he planned on doing with this magical scholarship.


“Yea, so I pretty much figure I’m basically guaranteed any job on campus since I have work study. I guess I’ll just like walk in the Ray and tell them to give me a job. It seems like a cool place to work.”


We reached out to Robert again today to follow up. “Yea, so I still don’t have a job. Turns out, work-study doesn’t promise you anything. It’s kind of a cock-tease telling me how much money I don’t have. Also, I don’t think the Ray appreciated me just walking behind their desk. I’m not allowed in there anymore.”


Robert ‘s situation prompted us to further investigate what exactly is happening with on-campus jobs. We went around and ask a random sample of freshmen about their search for on campus jobs and an astounding 100 percent of the ten people we talked to didn’t have a job yet.


Zachary Miller, one of the freshmen we surveyed, told us more about his job search. “I literally applied to every single position on that job board, even the one’s I’m not qualified for and I’m kind of starting to regret it because I get like five emails a day telling me about how there were hundreds of other qualified applicants and they can’t offer a job to everyone at this time. Please make the emails stop.”


Seeing how difficult it is to get these jobs, we wanted to find out more about the saints were that were getting these jobs. To extend our investigation we literally talked to the first person we could find wearing a DePaul polo and asked him how he got his job. He told us, “Actually my friend had a job here and he recommended me.”


After asking further questions, we discovered his friend got the job from a friend who got it from a friend who had a brother who had a son whose father’s brother’s friend’s friend also had a job there. Pondering on this new information, we realized that made no actual sense and that this employee was trying to throw us off the trail from the truth.


There are only two possible conclusions to come to from this investigation. Either, to get a job on campus you must perform some kind of sick blood ritual while sacrificing your mortal soul to the evil jabberwocky. Or people don’t like hiring freshmen. Either way, you should probably just ask your parents for more money.

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