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DePaul Junior Smokes More Cigarettes than Columbia’s Freshman Class

Samuel Waller, a junior Jazz Studies major with a minor in French Art Films at DePaul, was overjoyed to find out this past week that after a study done by the DePaul Office of Health Promotion and Wellness it was concluded that he singlehandedly smokes more cigarettes on a daily basis than the entire Columbia College Chicago freshman class.  

 

“Not only do I love sticking it to freshmen, I really love showing those asshats over at Columbia that not only are they not the artsiest students in the world, but they aren’t even the artsiest students in Chicago.” Waller told our reporter as he hid behind a cloud of smoke that seemed to be coming from at least 6 cigarettes. When asked about how many smokes that he lights up each day Samuel told us. “Well I don’t really have a set number of cigs that I have each day, but I would say somewhere between 8 or 14 packs on a regular day of school. On the weekends when I don’t have class I probably fit in another 3 or 8 packs.” Before giving us a chance to not ask what his preference he jumped in with “American Spirits, of course.”  

 

When he’s not smoking, Mr. Waller likes to go to small club shows in Logan Square and Pilsen to see bands in a genre he calls “Indie Medieval Folk Rock.” “Yeah it’s kind of guilty pleasure, like whatever pop garbage you listen to is for you,” he said before spending the rest of the interview passive aggressively insulting our reporter, which will be redacted from the rest of the report due to the fact that he went to some really dark places. Like, make you question every decision you’ve ever made stuff. He’s a real prick, this guy. 

 

We then went to Columbia College Chicago to ask students about how they felt to be shown up by a DePaul junior. This did not go well as our reporting staff was unaware that they were arriving at the school’s mandated daily LSD break. But, one freshman finger painted us a nice picture of a top hat-wearing pelican that he saw in a vision but immediately ripped it up because “that shady looking grasshopper over there would probably steal it.”  

 

More on this developing story later in the quarter.

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