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Dietz’s War on the Dollar

Beginning August 13, Campus Dining Services began only accepting digital currency including Flex Dollars, Redbird Dollars, Bitcoin, and credit/debit cards at all of its dining centers. Cash will no longer be accepted anywhere on campus and President Dietz has stated that “since Einstein Bros Bagels at Milner Library has been cash-free since opening last November, everywhere else should be able to do it with no problems at all” and that “it has nothing to do with my large investment in Bitcoin.” 


A few months earlier, Dietz spoke to us about his ingenious idea to invest all of the school’s funding into a digital currency called Bitcoin. An investment he was excited about at the time, he assured students that “he knew a guy who said it would work for sure.” 


In recent weeks as Bitcoin has decreased drastically in value, Dietz seems to have become more nervous and sweaty about the investment. With his new “moist and salty” attitude came a series of changes in the financial workings of the university. Dietz admits that “it may have been a bad decision” and “cocaine may have been involved,” but also mentioned that this information was “off the record,” whatever that means.


Though the future holds a series of more severe changes, like only being able to pay tuition with Bitcoin and giving out financial aid in Dogecoin, for now the changes seem bearable. The main opponents of these new policies are coming from SSDP and the Circus. Head of both organizations, Robert “Some Money” D’Argent, had this to say, “I’m not going to say that ‘because a lot of us sell drugs that we only have cash and we don’t want a paper trail,’ but that really is a cogent summary of the situation.” 


SSDP’s ill-conceived and poorly named “War Against the Bagel People” and “Down with Einstein” protests gained little traction last year when Einstein Brothers first stopped accepting cash money. “Most people just assumed it was some kind of racist thing against the Jews or some kind of ‘pro-stupidity’ movement,” claimed Some Money. “It was definitely a failure on our part, but our new slogan ‘Dietz’s war on money isn’t good for anyone, so you should help us fight against this policy’ should be more effective. We made it as wordy as possible so no one would be confused, but now the people we have painting the signs all have horrible carpal tunnel.” 


Subway is the only food establishment on campus refusing to go along with Dietz’s moneyless mandate, calling it “stupid” and “probably illegal.” We called Jared Fogle to find out more, but after a series of sandwich-related questions, he started crying about how “he was a person” and “wanted to be left alone” and that “if we asked to see his fat pants one more time he was going to go on a killing spree.”


Dietz has responded harshly saying that any sort of revolution or outburst will be quelled with unnecessary force; though, most students don’t seem to care. It is the future, after all, and everyone has extra Flex Dollars anyway. It seems Dietz’s war on the dollar is more mundane than it sounds. Honestly, it doesn’t even seem worthy of a news story, but… here we are…

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