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Drinking in the Dorms: A Breakdown

Let’s get real. Everyone does it. Granted, some do it alone while marathoning House Hunters International on a Friday night instead of going out with their friend Lisa, who decided that Sarah (the one who wears flower crowns to outdoor events) is “more fun to hang with” because she “doesn’t have a stick up her ass.” Anyway, here’s how you drink in your dorm sometimes alone and not bitter, and sometimes with all the friends money can buy.


Drinkin’ Before a Night Out on the Town

WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT GO INTO THAT ONE KID WHO LIVES AT THE END OF THE HALL’S DORM TO DO “STUFF.” For some ungodly reason, on every single dorm floor, the kid who lives at the end of the hall is shady as fuck. Even if it’s the first week of school and you want to make new friends, just don’t join them to “drink.” Because by “drink” they mean do cocaine off their set of keys while you stand in the back corner watching, sipping your ounce-sized bottle of SoCo that your lame cousin gave you as a “college warming gift.”


Here’s what you’re probably gonna do:


1.) Just go somewhere where they overcharge underage college students and purchase yourself some subpar vodka (Svedka) and chasers (Pepsi – thanks, Chicago).


2.) Invite your five friends that you made from that hall meeting to go to your dorm to get “turnt” before you hit up some crappy frat party. 10/10 times it’ll be a room of dancing chicks with one bro snapchatting a girl (more than likely your suitemate) dancing on his aunt’s coffee table.


3.) NEVER get completely trashed in your dorm before going out because you will not want to go out after. Once you’ve obtained the “euphoria” of being “buzzed,” just get out of your room, run down the hall, squeal in the stairwell (cause you’re DRUUNNKK), and get your ass to the L in order to make it to that one party (which just got busted. So sorry.).


4.) Have fun at McDonald’s.


Honestly, the Best Way to Get Drunk and Have Fun
Just stay in. Get yourself a low-grade bottle of merlot (because you’re a real drinker) and gather a group of your closest friends to watch some of the shittiest movies of all time. There is no better feeling than being surrounded by those that you’d describe as “okay,” each drinking a bottle of their own, while watching a classic like Birdemic or Spring Breakers. You’ll just laugh and have a good time. But then, the drunker you get, the more you’re going to want to go out and drink some more.


Here’s what you should do:


1.) Get that one sober suitemate to come and do your makeup.


2.) Go ahead and put on your finest pair of jeans and party flannel and go out, you slut.


3.) Then, once you make it outside and realize how cold it is, how far away that party is, and how hungry you are, you’re just going to want food. 


4.) So, go meet your friends who decided to go out earlier at McDonald’s and go halfsies on some chicken nuggets. 


And remember, it’s not alcoholism while you’re in college. You can wait to deal with your issues until you’re in your late 30s, divorced, and subleasing a basement because your husband got the house and full-custody of the kids.

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