Listen closely, ladies. College is the beginning of your transition into adulthood, and you need to start thinking about your future more seriously. And we’re sorry if this next bit of news has you shaking in your Steve Madden heels, but you need to be hit with a harsh dose of reality.
The world is a scary, expensive place, and you can’t be expected to go out there and navigate it on your own. Pretty soon your parents are going to cut you off financially, and without that steady flow of income, how will you afford to continue living the lavish lifestyle you deserve? You need to find a man to bring in money for you. And that’s why you’re here at the University of Illinois.
The prestigious MRS program at Illinois equips you, an attractive young woman, with all the tools and skills necessary to prepare you for a rich, rewarding life of wifely servitude and gold-digging thievery. Putting in the time and effort now to find your lifelong golden parachute benefits you twofold: It allows you to marry a future rich man soon after graduation while he’s still attractive and in his physical prime, and it gives you the opportunity to claim that you loved him and stuck by his side before he was rich, giving you important leverage in future arguments and inevitable divorce proceedings when you take half his assets.
As you embark on this noble endeavor to strike gold with the next great lawyer, engineer, or that Jordan Belfort wannabe from the College of Business, The Black Sheep would like to give you some guidance to make the most of your time in the MRS program and maximize your future earnings:
Take easy classes or declare an easy major: Conventional wisdom says to enroll in difficult classes or enter a science-focused program because it’s the easiest place to meet smart future doctors; however, instead of wasting precious hours keeping up with classes you have no chance of passing, your time would be better spent practicing duties such as baking cookies, cleaning the frat house, or perfecting your fellatio technique. Your future hubby will take notice and appreciate those deeds more than seeing you struggle in class, so schedule 12 hours of communications classes every semester and let him do all the tough schoolwork. Your good deeds will not go unnoticed, and soon guys will recognize you as wife material.
Join a top sorority house: If you’re in this program, you’ve already met the pre-requisite of being super pretty, so accomplishing this feat won’t be a problem. Joining a top sorority house exposes you to top fraternity houses on campus, who traditionally accept guys from wealthier suburbs like Winnetka, Hinsdale, and Deerfield. These dudes may not look like much now, but top fraternity houses have connections at big companies and firms that show favoritism when it comes to hiring fellow fraternity brothers for well-compensated positions, which results in a big payday for you. And the only way these frat-tastic bros will even give you the time of day on the first day is if you’ve got the right letters on your sweater.
Always dress nice: Notice the emphasis on “always.” On a campus of 40,000 students, you’re going to see new guys every day, and you cannot afford (literally) to come off as just some random chick on your first encounter with them. There are tons of random chicks on this campus for guys to choose from, and most guys prefer the ones who aren’t looking to siphon money out of them. Take the time every morning to put on your makeup, style your hair and pick out a nice-looking outfit. A little effort goes a long way, and taking extra time to put forth that effort could end up being the difference between wedding the next Marc Andreessen and getting hitched with some jabroni who doesn’t know how to spell “Mark.”
Research your targets: Not unlike other programs here at U of I, the MRS program will require you to conduct a little research of your own. Dive deep into each candidate and evaluate his history and potential: Is he committed to working hard? Is he prone to slacking off and diminishing future earnings? Is his family already rich? Can he get a high-paying job at his father’s company after graduation and eventually take over the family business? These are all important questions that you need to ask and find the answers to. There are ample resources for research at your disposal (and by that we mean stalking on various forms of social media) so use them!
We hope you take this advice seriously and use it wisely. Think of your journey towards earning an MRS degree as a treasure hunt and our guide as the map. At the end of your hunt, you will unearth copious amounts of riches that you didn’t earn. Happy husband hunting! Bag yourself a rich one!