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Elderly Bible-Pushers Find a New Way to Recruit

Throughout the year, various religious groups visit Illinois State to spread the word of God, try to convert non-believers, and to talk to students about their religion. Whether they come bearing Bibles to hand out or megaphones to shout from, nearly everyone has seen or heard them. This year, however, these devious devil dispellers returned to ISU with less than heavenly intentions. 


On Sunday, instead of preaching the heavenly word, a certain group of geriatric religious recruiters were spotted slipping some dabs of paper into hollowed out Bibles in an attempt to force students to gain a religious perspective. All week long these liver-spotted liars handed out Bibles to these respectable, young students, who, from either guilt, pity, or some strange combination of the two, couldn’t help but accept the token of faith. Once in the hands of the young and impressionable, the men also gave the students a slip of paper that read, “1. Take the body of Christ. 2. See God.”  


In the midst of the chaos and euphoria, The Black Sheep caught up with President Dietz to get an official report of the situation. “As if I didn’t have enough on my plate. Now I’ve got these doped-up college kids running around yammering on about God and religion. It’s like a goddamn HBO special up in here.” When asked about the older men handing out the Bibles and the actions that will be taken against them, Dietz said, “Oh, those men of God? Psh, more like men of fraud, if you ask me. Ha! Good one, Dietzy.” After pausing to give himself a high-five he continued, “Anyway, those Jesus freaks are old as shit. What are we gonna do about it? Tell them to leave? I don’t know about you, but I’m not in the mood to get a talking to from some ancient codger. I know how old people work. One second we’re on the same page and the next it’s ‘uphill both ways’ this and ‘back in my day’ that. Fuck that noise.” 


ISU students had a good amount to say as well. Senior Greg Garrett told The Black Sheep, “They just looked like normal old dudes ya know? I can’t walk by oldsters and just ignore them, so I took one. I was bored in class so I decided to open up the Bible just for shits and gigs and the first thing I saw was a tiny slip of paper with Jesus on it. Now, this might sound a little crazy, but I mean, c’mon, I was in math class what else was I gonna do? Pay attention to the lecture and not eat a tiny Jesus paper? I’m no fool. So, I ate the thing and within 30 minutes, I shit you not, I saw God. It’s almost like…we were trippin’ together, as one. It was the most beautiful experience of my life, bro.”


Sophomore, Veronica Hanssen, agreed saying, “I generally don’t take things from strangers, but I don’t know if it’s because they were associated with religion or just because they were old and I have daddy issues, but whatever it was, it just felt right to take the Bible and listen to them. And hey, maybe I didn’t replace my daddy, but I did get a new dealer. In a way, I think I really did get saved that day.”


Since the incident, ISU’s campus Christian clubs have increased tenfold and have not only gained more recognition among students, but have even attracted a few celebrities that tend to participate in religious fads such as Kabbalah and Scientology. The old men who started it all are now frequently seen around campus, preaching the word of God, handing out Bibles to non-believers, and tripping balls with their fellow worshippers.

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