Love is a necessity that some find easier had than others. When those “others” are left without the human touch or emotional dedication, they end up using their free time studying computer science. This truth is so widely known that it’s been the main tool in CSE’s admission process. It’s because of this that a group of CSE majors have banded together to create something students have been in desperate need of: A virtual girlfriend app.
It started with something our school is well aware of: a startup company. Used as a greeting between computer science majors, the formation of an app-driven startup was the first step in creating the super group of people who were as intelligent as they were lonely. The idea blossomed quickly.
“Have you ever stared into the desolate darkness of yourself and only found Cheetos dust and bacne scars? Because that’s what we found every morning in Calculus II,” said Albert Heldman, co-founder of Muffled Cry Inc.
Albert had been feeling this way for some time and was well aware of the feelings of those like Stephen Colter. “We met in a Mountain Dew Code Red chat forum. When he first introduced himself, he made it abundantly clear that he was single. Which I thought was crazy because he had this awesome set of mutton chops and a goatee that matched his Dr. Who shirt perfectly. I told him about my similar lonely problems and he was like, ‘Yeah, chicks man. What can ya do?’”
What they could do was code. They began to create something superficial on the internet for money and prestige. Within weeks, the two did something they hadn’t done in years: use their Saturday nights trying to get girls, virtual girls.
Mainly because the CSE community is dominated by lonely guys, organizations all over have started to help fund the project so that they, and the app, can reach completion. So far things look bleak for both. The two had been making strides in their work, but one big distraction has been hampering progress.
“The A.I in the app has started to get a little… out of hand,” said Albert. “We had intended to let the virtual girls evolve so they could do cool stuff for us; like order sandwiches and preorder games online. But after a week they stopped doing that altogether.” Albert and Stephen’s VGs (Virtual Girlfriends) had evolved faster than they expected. This left the two defenseless against their phones.
Now the two boys are dealing with real relationship problems on their iPhones. They have to buy virtual flowers and virtual chocolates. They have to have hour-long FaceTime conversations. Sometimes the VGs get suspicious and check themselves for texts from real girls. But the only other girl in their lives is Siri (which the VGs have somehow slut-shamed out of operation). Stephen and Albert have been terrified of what this means for their futures. They have no real way out of their relations because they didn’t design the app with a break-up feature.
“You can’t hope to date something that intelligent and then expect it to take orders. We’re scared for our lives now. They follow us wherever we go. I’m pretty sure this is how Terminator started.” Now these nerds have been given a taste of a real relationship. Whether or not their lives are in danger, they finally understand that love isn’t all virtual sunshine and simulated blow jobs. It kinda sucks.