College movies would lead you to believe that Spring Break is the week of every year where you are cleared for takeoff into a magical world of sex and drinking. Unfortunately, to ride this Polar Express of sin, you have to have the right uniform, and though there is nothing definitively best to wear, there are things definitively worst to wear. We have assembled the most shameful caps here that will ensure you spend your week in Corpus Christi dancing by yourself.
5.) Party Trucker Hat from Spencer’s Gifts: $29.99
While this hat may appear to be a simple bedazzled party hat, looks can be deceiving. Upon activation, it becomes a glowing amusement park of desperation, as viewable below:
This incredible contraption, while ostensibly conceived to let the people around you know your intention to get silly, will serve its true, secret purpose, which is to tell people whom they should not get silly with. Wearing “PARTY” across your hat will render you rightfully judged as the person not to party/snort coke/boink with, so though this seemed like a solid buy when you were 16, don’t bring it with you to Florida, unless you want to Tampa with a perfectly planned-out trip.
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4.) USA Peace Hand Hat from Spencer’s Gifts: $29.99
Like a bat out of Hell, this hat emerges from the deadly crossed beams of patriotism and novelty hats a fully formed being of unrestrained horror. If there’s anything an American shouldn’t do abroad, it’s advertise that they’re American, and you will find yourself with spit-filled margaritas in Cabo bars and glares directed your way all up and down the beaches of Cancún, courtesy of the equivalent of a bald fucking eagle on your head. King Midas of ancient Greek mythology possessed a hand that turned everything he touched into gold. Similarly, this hand hat turns everything it touches into pure, lonely, misery.
3.) “Please Don’t Leave Me” Trucker Hat from Yves Saint Laurent: $275
This hat is not, in and of itself, bad. The underlying problem with the cap is that it is a $275 trucker hat, with the only aspect of it warranting that price being the little “Saint Laurent” inside. And if you spent $275 on an Yves Saint Laurent trucker hat, then boy howdy, you’re gonna tell everyone that you spent $275 on it. Tragically, as your friends cancel that road trip y’all have planned for half a year to avoid hanging out with the person who drops $275 on name-brand trucker hats and talks about it incessantly, you will find yourself asking them, “please don’t leave me.”
2.) The Shocker Baseball Hat from Café Press: $13.99
The Shocker Baseball Cap wears the crown of “Most Cringeworthy Hat,” and invokes a level of horror equal only to that of lewd visual reimaginings of cartoons. It’s not the inherent act the hat endorses that makes the cap gross. No, it’s the advertisement of it on a baseball cap, an advertisement that comes part and parcel of an attitude that reinforces patriarchal attitudes and the most noxiously offensive masculinity conjurable. This hat will clearly inform everyone that you are the piss in the gene pool, so if you have the desire to meet someone on break and have a mutually beneficial good time involving the aforementioned act, please refrain from wearing that desire on your head.
1.) Official Donald Trump Make America Great Again Cap from Donald Trump: $25
Though the hat professes a desire to “make America great again,” it will end up making America not spring break again. Drinkin’ in Denver? Dunzo. Partyin’ in Panama? Puh-leaz! Fuckin’ in Florida? Fuggedaboutit! The trump card to defeat all attempts at carnal friendship, you’ll likely feel abandonald by your buds if you wear this hat. It’ll be as if there’s a wall between y’all. You catch our drift? Tell this hat it’s fired.
Fashion may be subjective, but objectively, people will avoid you if you wear these hats. And if you spend the holiday alone, well, that just might spring break your heart. Drinking alone is only romantic when you’re an artist; otherwise, it just feels kinda bad.