The Chicago Cubs, upon their recent World Series victory against the Cleveland Indians, have accrued fans who were previously unaware of the existence of the team. Specifically, this past week has seen a majority of frat houses sporting Cubs memorabilia and an even greater majority of fraternity members unable to name a Cubs player other than Anthony Rizzo.
“Yeah, like, honestly, I’m not really into sports, and I hate baseball in general,” UCLA Beta Sigma Phi member Jackson Adams explained. “I wasn’t even aware that Chicago had a baseball team, but you can sure as hell bet that I was taking a shot every time the Cubs scored a run! And you can also sure as hell bet that I got totally wasted after they beat the Indians! We’ve been through so much together this past month, it was really the greatest gift I could’ve gotten in November.
A week after the Cubs World Series win in Cleveland, however, and nearly any sign that Cubs fans had ever existed in a majority of fraternity houses has vanished.
Chase Brown, of the Rutgers chapter of Theta Theta Phi, when asked about the phenomenon, acted very confused. “What? Yeah, I’m aware the Cubs won the World Series,” Brown said. “That was like a week ago dude, who cares? I’m into Pokémon Go! now. Have you played this shit? I caught a Snorlax yesterday at McDonald’s!”
Many fraternity members have also displayed Brown’s sense of apathy, with several even admitting to not knowing what the Cubs are.
“Yeah, I mean, I never really watch baseball. I’m from California so I don’t really know things about Chicago. And I’m from L.A. so I don’t really know things about bears,” John Carmichael, member of the Johnny Depp-themed fraternity specific to University of Missouri-Columbia, Phi Phi Phuhget about it, admitted. “A lot of people just seemed really into the whole Cubs things, so I bought a bunch of stuff to decorate my room with and got hella laid. Honestly, I can’t believe they’re just a baseball team. I’ve gotten less out of girls for more.”
With Fatheads of Anthony Rizzo riddling the dumpsters of every frat house dumpster, the Cubs’ time in the spotlight across college campuses is at an end. The Cubs are out, and according to Total Frat Move, Donald Trump has become the new Cubs, with “Make America great again posters” being accredited by frat boys as the number one reason why they got laid last night, just barely surpassing “We were both hella wasted” and “She liked my dog.”