College student-athletes will continue to live their luxurious lives this fall. Athletes will be given the star treatment in and out of the classroom when it comes to their education.
“I was nervous that I would actually have to study for tests because the teachers passing me to keep my eligibility in high school told me that I wouldn’t get away with this in college,” said Martin Carney, a freshman at the University of Washington. “But, thankfully, my coach told me that not only will I not have to study for tests, but the school is going to hire a kid to take my tests for me, so I can focus on being a 3rd string redshirt lineman for the team.”
Of course, Carney still had to pick which classes he was going to enroll in for his first semester on campus.
“Choosing classes I was going to ditch this semester was tough,” said a concerned Carney. “However, since I knew I wouldn’t go to a single class, I decided to take morning classes to be nice to my classmates I’ll never meet who’d like to take the afternoon sections.”
Although the student-athlete will have some extra time on his hands since he won’t be sitting in lecture, he still intends to use every minute of his day to his advantage to be productive.
“I, of course, intend to pull all-nighters during the week,” said Carney. “The only difference I won’t be doing homework. I’ll be downing brews or riding around on my university-provided scooter.”
The University of Washington Athletic Department hired honors student and nerd Charlie Williams to go to class for the athlete this year.
“We didn’t put much thought into choosing him since there are more important games in life, like the one on Saturday,” said John Randall, University of Washington Athletic Director. “We had our punter kick a football onto a hard copy of the dean’s list from 55 yards away and the football landed right on Williams’ name.”
Williams, the unsung hero in this situation, is understandably overwhelmed by the daunting task of doing all the work for himself and for a guy he will never meet in person.
“It’s Syllabus Week, but I’m already stressed out about my own engineering classes,” said Williams. “Now I have to worry about a bunch of blow-off classes like Intro to Communication or a sports history class. What is this guy even studying?”
Carney has big goals set for the semester on and off the field now that he has the help of the nerdy Williams.
“There’s no chance of me winning the Heisman Trophy because I’m never going to step on that field,” said Carney. “But, I think I can be an Academic All-American this year with the help of Williams. That would look so great in my player bio they show on ESPN when I go undrafted in the 2020 NFL draft.”
Williams was last seen wobbling out of the bookstore with 15 textbooks in preparation for the year.