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Freshman Shocked by Failing Grades After Rubbing Testudo’s Nose


UMD Freshman Timothy Turner was shocked this week to learn that he received straight D’s on his final exams, despite rubbing Testudo’s nose every day during exam week. Although Turner admitted he “didn’t study for even a second leading up to or during exam week” and “stopped attending classes some time in early October,” he was fuming when he received his grades from the ironically-named Testudo website.


Additionally, his ENGL101 teacher, Mrs. Jackson, who requires a final paper instead of giving a final exam, reported that she didn’t receive a submission from Turner, who spent the week leading up to the due date sitting on Testudo and rubbing his shell. Asked why she still gave him a D on the paper, Jackson noted, “I spend many late nights at the library and, each time I was there during exam week, I could count on seeing Timothy petting Testudo or whispering something in its ear. In the end, I felt too guilty giving him a failing grade.” 


One student, who claimed to have seen Turner straddling the metal turtle, described it as “an inappropriately unprofessional interaction between [the mascot] and student.” Although many gifts were left for Testudo throughout the week, it is thought that the relatively low turnout this year was due to Turner scaring students away. Turner’s actions were especially repelling to potential students who were taking campus tours with their parents throughout the week. A parent on one such tour, Debbie Galloway, explained, “the kid on the turtle really made us think twice about sending our son to UMD.”

Michelle Powers, a freshman student from Turner’s dorm, showed her frustration with Turner’s actions by putting her head in her hands when asked about it. “I tried to tell him over and over again that UMD students still need to study for their exams and complete assignments, even after rubbing Testudo,” explained Powers. “He kept muttering to himself things like ‘great, first I have to deal with everybody thinking I’m the Fairly Odd Parents kid’ and periodically bursting out in uncontrollable laughter. I’m very worried about him.”


Turner has withdrawn from school and is attempting to knock on enough wood to be accepted into Harvard by spring semester.

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