Connect with us
Connect with us

Campus Life

Freshman Tries to Find 4th of July Party, Has No Friends

Several complaints were filed about Michael Glavenport to the DePaul Public Safety Office today. The upcoming sophomore allegedly harassed several student employees over the course of the day. Initial reports say that Michael, dressed in his red, white, and blue jumpsuit, entered campus buildings and approach the on duty staff. Michael would begin the conversations by loudly bellowing, “Where the Independence Day ragers at!?” and then becoming increasingly aggressive upon rejection.


Sarah Hernandez, who works as a desk receptionist for campus housing, was the first to lodge a complaint. “I was just minding my own business when this, like, freshmen kid shows up dressed in this [sic] jumpsuit,” explained Sarah. “After I tried to lie and say I didn’t know of any parties, he started calling me a loser with no friends. Which I thought was totally uncalled for.” Sarah has since ensured us that she has plenty of friends and just didn’t want this creep to ruin her plans.


For further comment, we reached out to Paul Walker, who was working at the Ray Meyer fitness center when Michael approached him. “Me and my friend were just trying to plan a barbecue for the 4th when this kid walks up to us and tries to invite himself.”


Carol, who was working with Paul at the time (who may have had a “friends with benefits” thing going on with Paul), added, ” We didn’t want to be rude, so we pretended to cancel due to the weather and that’s when he just started getting aggressive… and a little desperate.”


We caught up with Michael to get his take on the story. Michael claims he was only trying to befriend the students telling us, “I didn’t make a lot of friends last year, since I thought it’d make me look cool if I lived off campus. I figured if I could find a party, then I could meet some new people. Plus, we’re all here anyway, why not rage together?” Upon further investigation we were able to confirm that Michael indeed had no friends. “Wait, I didn’t say I have no friends, they all just went home for summer,” lied Michael who, we remind you again, has no friends.


To further investigate why Michael is so unlikable, we tracked down his parents, Jenna and Michael Glavenport Sr. We found them in their two-story, lakefront beach house located in the northern suburbs. “I don’t know, we started to notice how unlikable he was when he started middle school. He was just… kind of a dick and more than a little pathetic. Even the nannies didn’t like him,” said his mother while working on her fifth glass of chardonnay.


His father added, “He tried to get a date for a school dance once by bribing some poor girl. That’s when I started to regret naming him after me…” He looked off into the distance as he said this with a look a pure disappointment etched onto his face.


After we told Michael what his parents had said and asked him for a reaction, he responded with, “Shut up, you little prick! What do my parents know about friends anyway?” He began sputtering and pacing awkwardly. He seemed to get ahold of himself for a moment and then asked, “You wouldn’t happen to know of any parties, by the way, would you?” We declined further comment.

Continue Reading

More from Campus Life

To Top