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From Hell to Health: A Pitt Student Health Guide

You know the symptoms: nausea, dizziness, and fever. If it weren’t the middle of the day you would swear that you were crossfaded. Unfortunately, you’re just sick, which means it’s time to go to buy enough Nyquil to end up on an FBI watch list. In anticipation of the season of sickness, The Black Sheep has teamed up with Pitt’s Student Health Services to release a guide to getting healthy. They’re hoping that these tips will keep you from having to wait three days to schedule an appointment or wait 12 hours in the lobby for a walk in just to see some med student who definitely has no clue what he’s talking about. So chug some chicken noodle soup, dose yourself in VapoRub, and dive into our guide.

 

Strep Throat
Unfortunately there isn’t much you can do to treat strep throat other than Magic Swizzle. Yes, you read that correctly. Magic Swizzle is a little concoction that we’ve put together that works… wait for it… like magic! In all seriousness, we don’t even know what’s in it, but it’s totally safe to swallow. Probably.

 

Pink Eye
Maybe you were on the wrong end of a pillow farting prank. Maybe you and the significant other were feeling frisky after watching Fifty Shades of Grey. Regardless of how you got it, we can help. Rub your eye as much as possible in order to keep tear production up. Once you’re done rubbing wipe your hand on a door knob or keyboard in order to get the gross stuff off.

 

Common Cold
Rest and fluids is the best way to deal with this one. If the coughing gets really out of hand, don’t bother coming to us. We’re not allowed to prescribe codeine since that time we accidentally had the whole campus sipping sizzurp. Towers turned into a trap house, the chem labs started cooking up crack, and everyone dropped a mixtape. Never again.

 

Sinus Infection
Not much you can do on your own with this one, so come stop by and we’ll hook you up with some bomb antibiotics. You’ll look so cool popping all those pills, but we hope you like a terrible taste in your mouth and constant diarrhea. We call these symptoms “Market Syndrome.”

 

Polio
What year is it, 1940? Dr. Jonas Salk (praise his holy name) is rolling over in his grave right now. But honestly blame this one on your antivaxer parents. To make up for their stupidity have them buy you one of those really cool wheelchairs since you won’t ever be able to walk again. Also, watch out for mumps, measles, and any other disease your great grandma might have worried about.

 

Follow these tips and you’ll go from feeling like shit to feeling like Pitt in no time (Note: We don’t know what feeling like Pitt means, but it rhymed). Now that you’re healthy, the only thing you’ll be sick of is your classes, homework, the snow, your roommate, grades, walking up the hill, lines at Chipotle, missing the 10A, and Market food. But hey, at least you’re not actually sick!

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