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Froner: The Dangerous New Drug On Campus

 

It’s been called “Leaking Clarence,” “The Spider-Monkey’s Venom,” “Lemon-Meringue Pie,” and, most confusingly, “John Kasich’s Back-Sweat.” Unless you’ve been living under The Rock for the past month or so, you’ve heard of it.

 

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It’s a dangerous new drug, most commonly known as “Froner,” and it could be coming to a party near you. Students have allegedly been using this drug in order to increase their focus during studying, and to get even more fucked up while partying. It has been confirmed that the drug’s effects are enhanced by the addition of pineapple and cat hair.

 

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Reports trace the origins of Froner to the East Coast and indicate that it first appeared in Ann Arbor in early February, when a student appeared to spontaneously combust during a Psych 111 exam. A GSI put out the fire, after consulting with the professor to make sure that doing so wouldn’t give the burning student an unfair advantage on the test.

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“I was sitting in class and I didn’t know [expletive] on this test, right. So I’m sitting there and my girl Betsy starts freaking out next to me, and then there’s scream from the front of the class and I’m like ‘Oh lord, Jesus it’s a fire!’” said junior psychology major Constance Yates. “This dude’s rolling around with the flames going everywhere, all the other students get out of the way, and I’m just thinking ‘ain’t nobody got time for this, I still got four pages left on my test.”

 

Doctors and investigators eventually determined that the student had actually been writing so fast and with such force that the friction from the pencil on the paper caused a spark. While being treated for the burns in the hospital, traces of Froner were found in the student’s system. Although this disproved many students’ theories that Froner gave the student super-human powers, word of the new drug started to spread.

 

Since then, the University of Michigan Hospital has seen a 19% increase in emergency visits due to Froner. 3 deaths, 25 injuries and 7 unplanned pregnancies have been linked to Froner. The police have reported that they have, inexplicably, seen an increase in pineapples and live cats at out of control parties.

 

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A joint statement from the hospital and university was released last week saying, “We have seen the recent rise in use of ‘Froner’ among our student body to be extremely life-threatening. This drug is extremely addictive and our dining halls will no longer be serving pineapple temporarily. If you see or hear anything about this drug, please call 734-478-4258.”

 

In regards to whether or not Froner is performance enhancing in similar fashion to Adderall, a student who recently took a test while under the influence of Froner reportedly received a 0% because “nothing on the test was comprehensible English, not even her name.”

 

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As for the student who caught on fire in the Chem building, doctors say he is recovering well and that the burns were only minor. When his family spoke to the media last Wednesday, they said that their son wanted everyone to know that, “It was so lit,” and “I will be aight.” He is taking a makeup exam next week.

 

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