With one semester down, and another just beginning, most students are ready to settle back into their usual college routine. Freshmen can’t wait to drink like fish again, sophomores are regretting taking anything with bio or chem in the course name, and seniors are excited to kick back and do relatively nothing. With this lag in activity The Black Sheep has decided to get to know the man behind the University of Pittsburgh, Chancellor Patrick D. Gallagher, a little better. While he has yet to become as legendary at Pitt as the white haired wizard that is Nordy, we’re just glad he decided to stick around for more than a semester like that jar-headed sack of shit, Todd Graham. Seriously Todd, you’re a bitch. Below are several questions that The Black Sheep is sure you have been dying to ask ol’ Paddy-G (he totally loves this name by the way).
The Black Sheep (TBS): Chancellor, thank you very much for agreeing to do this interview. We are honored to have you.
Chancellor Gallagher (CG): The honor is all mine. I’m glad to see that such a fine organization is taking interest in me.
TBS: If you could assign a letter grade to your experience during your first semester at Pitt, what would it be and why?
CG: I’d honestly give it a solid A, and not just because I don’t want to screw up my GPA. (chuckles) I had a lot of fun, learned a lot, and I really have fallen in love with this school. I am looking forward to many great semesters to come.
TBS: I know a lot of students have been dying to know the answer to this one: Antoons or Sorrentos?
CG: I think I would have to go with Antoons. Saving that extra dollar really adds up in the long run, especially when you only make $525k annually.
TBS: A lot of Pitt fans applauded the firing of Athletic Director Steve Pederson. What kind of thinking went behind that decision?
CG: Well, Pitt has some of the greatest fans in the land and such a rich history of athletic greatness, but I’m sadden to admit that over the last few years our prestige has been slipping. I gave Pederson one more chance by asking him to bring back the Pitt script logo. When he barely did the job, I knew I had to axe his ass.
TBS: Alright. How professional of you. Former Chancellor Nordenberg gave his name to a new residence hall before he retired. If you could rename any building on campus, which would it be?
CG: I’ve actually given some thought to this one. I’m a scientist by trade and have always admired the many lecture halls dedicated to the subject, but I think I would rename the Cathedral of Learning. I’d call it the Gallagher Memorial and it would commemorate how big my meat stick is, even though the building is only 1/8th scale. Know what I’m sayin’? (raises hand for high five)
TBS: (awkward laughter) Uh, yeah, sure. So, you attended Pitt for graduate school and received your Ph.D. in Physics in 1991. What was Pitt like back then?
CG: I can honestly say that a lot has changed.
TBS: How so?
CG: Frankly, and with all due respect, you guys are little bitches compared to the kids back in ’91. All you little wannabe frat bros think you’re so cool in your pastel shorts and Topsiders, but you ain’t shit. Don’t talk to me until you’ve written your thesis on “The Application of String Theory in the Modern World” in one night, all the while chugging a handle of Vlad, doing lines of blow, and getting your knob polished by one of the undergrads you’re a TA for. I put the D in Ph.D. bitch!
TBS: Oh… wow… thank you for your… honesty. I think that wraps up all of our questions. Thank you for your time.
CG: Anytime. Say hi to your mom for me. (drops invisible mic and walks away)