Now that our annual feast of turkey and processed carbohydrates are over, it’s time to focus on the most wonderful time of the year: December. Sure it’s cold, sure it might snow, but it’s the freaking holiday season, so nothing can really be that bad. The Black Sheep decided to take some time away from studying to squeeze in an interview with everybody’s favorite chancellor: Dr. Patrick Gallagher. That’s right Paddy G himself sat down to answer some light hearted questions about the holiday.
The Black Sheep (TBS): Chancellor Gallagher as always it is an honor to have some time with you.
Chancellor Gallagher (CG): I always have time for The Black Sheep! You guys are my primary news source.
TBS: Wow, we’re glad to hear that. So our first question: What are the top three items on your Christmas list?
CG: Great question. I would like some new dress shirts, a new Pitt fleece, and a Lamborghini Aventador LP 700-4. What’s really nice about my list is that I can afford everything on it, and even if I couldn’t, I’d just raise tuition. Actually, I’m just gonna raise tuition anyway!
TBS: Chancellor, don’t you think that’s a little Scrooge-like of you? No one likes a humbug during the holidays.
CG: What’s wrong with being like Scrooge? My boy Ebenezer was a true OG. Getting that paper day in and day out. You guys should be lucky I’m not like the Grinch.
TBS: Alright, alright, next question: What is your favorite holiday song?
CG: Oh that’s gotta be “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays” by *NSYNC. That was my jam back in ’98. I’m actually in an *NSYNC tribute band. We’re called Bye Bye Bye and I sing most of Justin Timberlake’s parts. I get my tips frosted for every concert.
(Chancellor Gallagher then proceeds to sing a 10 minute melody of *NSYNC songs)
TBS: We’ll definitely have to come see a show. So what cookies will you be leaving out for Santa Claus on Christmas Eve?
CG: Santa?! That fat old jag-off isn’t getting any cookies from me this year! I asked him for a Lexus last year and he got me an Acura. THEY’RE NOT THE SAME SANTA! I KNOW YOU’RE LISTENING!
TBS: Oh yeah, we’d totally be pissed too. We’re asking Santa for lower tuition, but yeah cars are nice too. So, what’s your favorite Christmas movie?
CG: I like The Year Without a Santa Claus. Heat Miser and Snow Miser are the best characters ever. I catch myself singing their song no matter what time of year it is.
TBS: It is a catchy tune, we…
(Chancellor Gallagher then proceeds to sing the Heat Miser/Snow Miser song)
TBS: Can’t believe you never went pro, Chancellor. Our ears are definitely bleeding for another reason. Before we go, do you have a holiday message you’d like Pitt students to read?
CG: Yes I do: My fellow Panthers, whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, Festivus, or you just get disgustingly drunk over winter break, I hope that this season is a special one for you. Spend time with those that you love and use this as a chance to relax. Because as soon as college is over you’ll be working your ass off to pay back your student debt.
(As we left the interview Chancellor Gallagher laughed maniacally)