Spring has sprung and it’s time for another chat with the one and only Chancellor Gallagher. Last chat got a little inappropriate, so this time we let the chancellor’s PR team take a look at the questions beforehand. Hopefully this will allow his questions to be a tad more thought out and a tad less… free-spirited? So, without further ado, here is the latest edition of Gabbing with Gallagher!
The Black Sheep (TBS): As always Chancellor it is an honor to sit down with you for an interview. We’ve been looking forward to talking to you again.
Chancellor Gallagher (CG): I thought we agreed you would call me by my preferred name.
TBS: Yes, right, we’re sorry Paddy-G. It won’t happen again.
CG: It better not, or I’ll toss your ass off campus like those racist punks at Oklahoma!
TBS: We don’t really think you can call that a fair comparison, but now it’s time for some questions. The temperature has increased significantly since February, what do you plan on doing with this beautiful weather?
CG: Well, ever since I was a boy I’ve enjoyed riding my bike. But rather than pedal the filthy streets of South Oakland, I had a private cycling track installed in my ever expanding office. Fortunately for you students, I’ll only have to increase tuition by another five percent.
TBS: Wow, how… kind of you?
CG: That wasn’t one of the approved questions.
TBS: It was rhetorical. Now on to sports. Pitt basketball infamously fell apart at the end of the season, including three losses in a row to end the regular season, a loss in the first round of the ACC tournament, and a home loss in the first round of the NIT. Any thoughts?
CG: Well, I’m no sports expert, but I think that the Panthers could learn a lot from me. I was raised on street ball back in Albuquerque and I go hard in the paint, which is why next season I will be cashing in my four years of NCAA eligibility to play for the Panthers. If that balding maniac Dixon has a problem with it, then he can kiss his job goodbye. I’m the boss dog, bitch!
TBS: We can’t wait to see that play out. Recently there was a stabbing on campus that the Pitt Police are still investigating. Do you have anything to say about the safety of campus?
CG: I sure as hell do! I got a little message to you wannabe criminals coming onto my turf. When I catch up to you punks, you’re gonna wish you had never stepped onto this campus. You fuck with my students, you fuck with me.
TBS: Such a strong stance. It’s nice to see that you care about us students.
CG: Well of course I do. You students keep me paid, so that I can score hoes and drink with my bros. Which reminds me, if you see that bitch ass Nordy creeping around campus, tell him he still owes me $30 from that time we went to Peter’s. Ain’t nobody skip out on Paddy-G!
TBS: We sure will, sir. We’re about out of time, anything else you’d like to say?
CG: Yeah, tell your girlfriend to quit texting me. I’M OUT, BITCHES! (flips the double bird and moonwalks away)