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Girl Hitchhikes to Chicago after Being Trapped at Home

A lone college student holds tightly to her Ninja Turtles backpack as she walks backwards very slowly and dramatically along the highway. Her thumb is exhausted from all of the enthusiastic thumbs up that she’s given every car that saunters past. Though she hardly looks like a threat with pigtails and pink, sparkly converse, car by car passes her by without stopping. Finally she finds a willing driver, but realizes that it’s going to be a long journey to Chicago.


The world has been amazed by little hitchhiker Lulu LaBonk, a nineteen-year-old DePaul student who has decided to undertake a cross-country trip to return to her beloved college campus. Lulu embarked on this adventure almost immediately upon her return to her home state of Delaware, which she has been quoted as saying is “an abomination” and “hardly a state at all.”


She knew that she had to get as far away from this boring summer existence as possible. Lulu packed up her backpack with a seven Fruit Roll-Ups, three different nail polish colors, and a hairbrush. With this, she set out in her neighborhood looking for a ride back to Chicago. Her neighbor, Cheryl Patterson, took pity on her and drove her to the closest bus station. “She stood on my front porch and rang my doorbell for an hour and a half straight. I didn’t really think I had a choice,” Patterson explained.


This spunky, rising sophomore reported that her adventure started when she was taken captive by her parents who refused to allow her to spend the summer in her dorm. Lulu reports, “They told me that I had no choice, and then they packed up all my stuff and put me on a plane. I don’t even know how tyranny like this is allowed. I thought this was America!”


Her parents tell a different story citing the Student Handbook as the source of their cruelty, “She doesn’t seem to understand that the dorms close down during the summer,” Mr. LaBonk explained. “There would be literally nowhere for her to stay.”


Lulu didn’t believe their ridiculous excuse. Why would a college campus just “shut down” during the summer? Absolutely absurd. A week passed and she was nearing the end of her journey.


“I plan on reclaiming my room, reconnecting my friends, and playing some sick board games,” Lulu fantasized. She knows summer in Chicago will infinitely fun than her planned summer of sweater-knitting and weed-pulling. Lulu firmly believes that the thirty car rides with various strangers that she has had to endure will be entirely worth it once she is able to make friendship bracelets on the quad again.


She does admit that this hitchhiking journey will give her many great stories to tell her friends once she returns. We left Lulu as she was getting into a bright yellow Volkswagen Beetle which she assured us was “completely safe.” She waved through the back window as she was driven off into the sunset towards the windy city.

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