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Groundhog Sees His Shadow, Predicts 6 More Years of Student Debt


College students from across America awoke this Groundhog Day to disappointing news: Punxsutawney Phil, the groundhog behind Groundhog Day, has seen his shadow and returned to his hole. According to the holiday’s time-honored tradition, this means that college students will have 6 extra years of student loan debt accumulated upon graduation.


“That goddamn woodchuck has ruined me,” said ISU senior Richard Sam, who, like millions of young adults, are frustrated by the rising costs of a college education. Richard intends to graduate in May, but if Punxsutawney Phil’s prediction holds credibility, it will probably be a while before Richard gets hired and can begin repaying his 5-figure loan. “Who would have thought that getting a history degree would land me in so much debt?” Richard, we’re sorry but we definitely saw that one coming.


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Groundhog Day has been celebrated every February for over 100 years. It began in 1887, when the original Punxsutawney Phil failed to see his shadow, and most college students successfully paid off their debts early that year. It is worth mentioning that universities such as ISU were much cheaper in those days (even when adjusted for inflation). Since then, Punxsutawney Phil has made annual predictions of student debt repayment with respectable accuracy.


Phil followed up his prediction with a few comments. “Look, the job market just isn’t what it was in your parents’ generation. You can’t expect to get hired right after graduation anymore,” noted the groundhog, eating some berries. “If you’re trying to make a living with a liberal arts degree, well, good luck to you. And of course it doesn’t help that the costs of college are growing exponentially. But that doesn’t mean college isn’t worth it; many employers I talk to say that an undergraduate degree is as necessary as a high school degree used to be. Unfortunately student loans have become the lesser of two evils.”


In order to meet his payments, Richard has started a job at the Subway in Watterson. He knows that if he doesn’t find a real job soon, he’ll be stuck living as a debt slave, who spends day after day staring at indecisive Subway customers. “I hate groundhogs,” said Richard.


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