In an entirely credible study brought to you by the people who gave you this story, The Black Sheep has concluded that the guy who keeps raising his hand, talking over the TA, and refuting any point brought up by other students is, in fact, better than you.
Taking into account the volume of voice, the probability that he’s still holding onto that v-card, and the uncanny resemblance of all of his clothing to the color of oatmeal, it was confirmed that Old Front Row Yeller is superior to everyone in the classroom. Not only is he better than the students, but even the professor who got a doctorate in the subject and has worked in the field for dozens of years. He also would have an incredibly promising future on ESPN’s Around the Horn. C’mon, he’s already got the getting angry about nothing thing down pat.
“You can expect this person in every class, and truthfully it’s always such a relief when that hero shines his beacon of light and shows the whole class who he truly is as a person,” said Gender and Women’s Studies TA Rebecca Wright. “At first when he talks, you think ‘how could he possibly know more about this topic than I do? Not only have I devoted the most recent years of my life to researching this subject, but I also have a vagina.’ But then he explains further how he knows all about Gender and Women’s Studies and the female experience because he Sparknoted Jane Eyre in high school, and then I’m all like ‘okay, this motherfucker knows what he’s doing.’ ”
Who is this understated hero, this knight in pretentious armor, this guy who most likely has a ton of William Faulkner books on his shelf that he’s never even read but will tell you all about regardless? You know who he is. Hell, you may even know who she is—being an asshole is not an activity limited to men.
For starters, he’s at a level of human being that you peasants could never even hope to obtain. He’s the Bill Gates of your Marketing 300 group. He’s the Isaac Newton of your Physics of the Arts lab. He’s the Bob Dylan of your Clap for Credit music class. Overall, he’s the Kanye West of your life—not like The College Dropout or My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy Kanye, which is perfect in every way… we’re talking “I’m going to take way too long to realize that the person I’m singling out to stand up in a concert packed with thousands of people is in a wheelchair” Kanye.
Actually, we take that back. To indicate he’s that Kanye would imply he’s annoying and unnecessary—and we can probably all agree that the guy who gets into a debate with you during something as seemingly inconsequential as an ice breaker activity is anything but annoying and unnecessary…
Overall, it’s an undisputed fact of life that the loudest in the room is the most right. Coupled with a complete disregard of normal social cues and the inclination to argue for the sake of arguing, that kid in discussion—you know who it is—has reached a level of human being you will never even hope to obtain. And really, in the grand scheme of your life, that’s probably okay.