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GVSU Professor Stops Giving a Sh*t


Professor Thompson, once a caring and loving individual, has found that his positive attitude has not been met with the love and support of his subordinates in all his years. Frankly, he found students just don’t care. Because of this, he ultimately decided to say, “fuck it” and to royally fuck with all his students.


On a crisp, cold Monday morning, so literally any Monday morning in Allendale, he walked into class in his batman onesie, sporting a couple mysterious stains on the front and backside. Students, in disgust, remarked on his appearance.




“It was just disgusting,” stated Clarence Fishman, sporting some Ugg boots, yoga pants, and a puffy long jacket. “When we go to class, we like to look nice and like we actually give a shit, but our professor is doing the exact opposite. Like, what the eff?”


That’s not the end of it, we are sad to say. Reports have found that this professor constantly called students by the wrong name on purpose just to rustle their jimmies.


We interviewed professor Thompson to see what else was up and how he was trying to ruin everybody’s lives. (We apologize if you have fallen victim to the following acts by professor Thompson.)


“I saw a College Humor video once about how Starbucks baristas like to mess with people by spelling their name a bit off. I took it to the next extreme and completely fucked with people to the point that they would have identity crises. Is your name Amanda? Well you’re now La-A, with a dash. Freddy? You are now Rajeev. And if you dare to correct me, your name will only get more and more far off.”


Professor Thompson won’t be getting reprimanded for his actions as of late as no one really gives enough of a shit to do something about it. He’s actively done away with grades and gives everyone an “A” just for showing up. Students have been discouraged from seeking out discipline for his actions; an easy “A” can easily make the ridiculous behavior of a teacher easy to accept.


“We would be happy to do something, except we like to keep a high GPA and we really don’t care enough anyway. Yes, we’re paying a crap ton of money for the course, but the fact that we are going to get an ‘A’ regardless kind of motivates us to not really pursue the issue,” said one of Thompson’s students, Claire Dowery, “I really don’t like when he calls me Rudy though.”

Professor Thompson is expected to continue his tenure at GVSU for the next 20 or so years. If you need an easy “A” and a thrill ride of a class in regards to the public indecency and hilarity, we recommend any of Professor Thompsons’ classes.


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