After a painstakingly long investigation, Grand Valley’s Student Organization of Cool Kids has arrested freshman Clarence Fishman under suspicions of lying about his spring break plans. Reportedly, Fishman had been telling fellow students and professors that he was away in Cancun for two weeks.
“From the beginning, we had sneaking suspicions that Fishman was lying,” Vice President of Grand Valley’s Student Organization of Cool Kids Ima Neetwon said. “It’s very clear to us that Fishman wasn’t cool enough for his alleged vacation plans.”
Grand Valley’s Student Organization of Cool Kids, or GV’s SOCK as it is more commonly referred to, was established in 1961 to distinguish the cool students from the painfully uncool. Founded at the beginning of Grand Valley’s days, only the most successful and worthy members have gone on to do notable things post-graduation.
“When we first let Clarence into our organization, we thought he had a lot of potential. He wasn’t exceptionally cool, but he wasn’t necessarily uncool either,” Neetwon said, “but, when we were discussing what we did over spring break one meeting, something seemed off about his answer.”
Fishman had been overheard telling other students that he stayed a week in Cancun, while other students were told it was for nine days. To GV’s SOCK, it became increasingly clear that Fishman wasn’t telling the full truth.
“We’re a very democratic group of people, because, obviously, that is the cool thing to do, so we brought Clarence in and tried to come to an understanding,” Neetwon said. “Well, let’s just say he broke like cheap clothes from H&M. It wasn’t long before he was telling the truth – that he really went to Indiana to visit his grandma for a week.”
Now that Fishman has been kicked out of SOCK, he’s awaiting further trail from the organization to see if more reprimands are necessary for his crime.
“Sure, it’s not very cool to visit your grandma during Spring Break, but that’s not really an offense against us on its own,” Neetwon said. “You can like your grandma and still be cool. The issue with Fishman, is that he lied about it. Cool people don’t lie, we don’t need to. It’s as simple as that.”
But what’s Fishman side to all of this? He’s been fairly silent since his arrested, but he finally seems ready to talk about what happened: “They don’t tell you how much pressure it is being in SOCK,” Fishman said. “Day in and day out I’m struggling to keep up with what’s cool and what isn’t. One day it’s ‘What are those?’ and the next it’s ‘Damn, Daniel.’ You see what I mean? I can’t keep up with that and those were just shoe memes. Shoe memes!”
For an organization that prides itself on coolness, SOCK might not be that chill towards its members.
“In all honesty, I lied because I just couldn’t keep up with them. You don’t know what happens to you when you slip up around the SOCK,” Fishman said. “I’m trying to strike a bargain with the D.A. that if I reveal some of the secrets of SOCK, I might get less on my sentence.”
All students should be weary in the future when they choose to falsify their vacation plans in order to avoid issue with SOCK and GVPD.