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GVSU Students Not Feeling the Bern


Bernie Sanders announced that he would be coming to GVSU for a speech regarding his nomination for the primaries as a Democratic president. Little did he know about the Michigan tundra his thousands of supporters had to wait in to get inside.


The Black Sheep sent one of our best reporters to the scene to see how many people had truly frozen outside. To his surprise, no bodies stood at the scene. 


“We had to move them to a secure location,” said GVPD Officer Barnell, “Liability purposes, I’m sure you understand.”


When questioned about his place at the rally, Officer Barnell claimed he saw it all happen but from the inside of the Fieldhouse of course because it was quote: “cold out there.”


“Those people were not feeling the Bern, so to speak. They’ll be lucky if they ever feel anything again. There will not be any ‘Berning down the House,’ unfortunately. What a sad, sad event,” stated Officer Barnell.


Sanders has yet to announce his remorse for the thousands that have been left in the tundra to stay perpetually frozen. Republican candidates Donald Trump and Ted Cruz have openly remarked on the events. Trump was quoted in his last interview as saying: “For a small loan of $1 million, I would gladly come to help, but those hippies got what was coming to them.”




Cruz refused to make a direct statement about the issues, while Hillary Clinton came to the scene and responded to the crisis with a smirk and a shrug before walking back to her private jet parked in the middle of Lot C.


“It’s a damn shame,” remarked Trump supporter Gary Stevens as he introduced Trump signage to off campus housing lawns. “But it means that there are that many fewer people stopping Trump from his victory. You can’t stump the trump!”


GVPD are up in the arms on what to do with the frozen bodies currently kept in a walk-in cooler behind the Department of Public Safety building. Many have suggested leaving them outside until after the primaries while other have suggested that they are brought to a second rally so the “Bern” can thaw their frozen bodies.


“We were out here with hairdryers using extension cords hooked up inside the science building just to get the bodies free from the ice,” GVPD officer Marc Rub stated. “Unfortunately, the extension cords only go so far and alas, the students past the science building belong to the birds now.”


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