Everyone remembers three years ago when John Stotelmeyer first dressed up in a full Adolf Hitler costume and welcomed alumni to the football game before being chased away by security. That year, the anti-anti-Semitic groups were on a rampage to keep the incident from happening again.
To show his support, then-president Al Bowman vowed to have security heightened and the punishments made severe for anyone who dressed up like Hitler. He decried that anyone dressed in any sort of Nazi garb during the week of homecoming would be expelled, tarred, and feathered. Of course, after a whole year of no one daring to mention Hitler, talk about WWII, or even eat bratwurst, the day of the big game he himself dressed up as Hitler.
The stadium was filled with raucous laughter and afterwards Bowman received a stern warning from the Jewish, homosexual, and gypsy groups around campus. The biggest opposition was obviously from Illinois State’s only gay, Jewish, gypsy group, Esmerelda’s Fancy Rabbis. The EFR issued a statement to the local publications that even The Black Sheep printed which said “if this happens again, prepare for a hardcore and raunchy riot.” The thing the EFR didn’t understand was that, no one likes Hitler or supports him, but everyone loves making fun of him.
Finally, last year’s homecoming came and went, with everyone and their mom dressing up like Hitler. Everyone thought they were so cool and so original, but instead the whole school just looked like a bunch of neo-Nazis. One dude dressing up like Hitler: kinda funny. A whole school dressing up like Hitler: so utterly God-damned stupid. Where did everyone even get these Hitler costumes? We hope you made them, because we do not want to think about all of the little Chinese children who made your costumes having to sew little swastikas all day for a bad joke.
No one rioted, everyone just felt embarrassed. Esmerelda’s Fancy Rabbis issued a video of their executive board looking disappointed and shaking their heads, and you could tell the general feeling on campus was ashamed stupidity. AEPi even had a “free beer for everyone who didn’t dress up as Hitler party,” and they made an absurd amount of money. Spokesman David Cohen said “We weren’t even trying to make money. We thought people would just come for the free beer, but you could just tell a lot of people felt like dicks and ended up buying beer in guilt.”
We know that all of you already know all of this. It’s campus history that every RA tells every freshman to make sure they’re aware of the shame. It even became mandatory to tell the story of Homecoming Hitler during orientation. The hope was that no one would think it was cool or funny to dress up like Hitler anymore. So this year, when you’re thinking to yourself “should I just wear my ‘Fear the Bird’ shirt? Or maybe put on a Charlie Chaplin ‘stache and some khakis?” remember that it’s done. WE’RE DONE WITH THAT NOW, IT’S OVER!
Of course some of the Hipstlers out there will always go to homecoming dressed ironically as the late fuhrer, but that’s just something you can’t avoid. This is The Black Sheep telling you to remember to shun these people at all costs.