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How to Assert Dominance Over Your Roommate

You just moved in blind with someone and now you must show him or her that you’re numero uno. Your presence must always be known and feared. You want your roommate to cry to mom, dad, professors, zoo animals, and just generally in public. With this roommate guide, your roomie will be sobbing in fear in no time.


Step 1: Sensual Seduction

Republican presidential candidate Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., left, shakes hands with Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Barack Obama prior to the start of the presidential debate, Friday, Sept. 26, 2008, at the University of Mississippi in Oxford, Miss..  (AP Photo/Charles Dharapak)

FULL. EYE. CONTACT. Any time your roommate talks to you, stare into his soul. Stare at him when you have no reason to be looking just to let him know you can and will. Most importantly, don’t look away if your roommate catches you as unwavering stares show you won’t back down.


Go in for a firm handshake, squeeze the living crap out of his hand, and hold on longer than necessary. Stern and firm is the way to do it! Then, as you’re sliding out of the handshake, gently rub your index finger on the inside of his wrist. Making your roomie feel uncomfortable will aid to your advantage.


Step 2: Indifference

Step 2.5

Let your roomie know you don’t give a hoot; you’d fight a baby any time you want! Make sure your roommate is watching as you kill a spider with your bare hands. Pretend to adopt an orphan and then drive away as the child reaches for the car door handle.


Showing your roommate that you’re heartless and soulless will tell him you’re void of all emotion so there’s no sympathy to stop you from destroying your roommate’s beer pong table and entire existence.


Step 3: Emasculation

Product Shots

This works on any gender, by any gender, as long as you make your roommate feel inferior. Hit the gym to bulk up; making yourself look big is the best way to show prey that YOU are their superior. Another way to show superiority is by offering to help (especially in public) in any way you can. This shows you don’t think he’s capable of…well anything, really.


Call your roomie by her student number instead of by name and only do activities that interest you. Perhaps take her out to your favorite restaurant and then take her menu and order for her. While you wait for food, ask for his words of wisdom with a problem and then do the opposite, this will make him feel like he isn’t smart or good enough. Ha!


Step 4: Bodily Functions

step 4

Everyone knows the biggest step to asserting dominance is to pee on someone else’s belongings. Cats do it, dogs do it, and now you do it. Open your dryer and pee on your roomie’s clothes as they’re drying and pee on and pee under his bed (he’ll have no idea until he smells it).

While he’s looking, pick up something of his and lick it to claim ownership. Or you can take it a step further: “Is this cheese yours? Mine now.” And then eat his food in front of him. Bwahahahaha.



step 5

Move your roomie’s stuff for him to encourage him to give you space or leave. Rearrange his hair products, move his recliner onto the lawn and insist you were “just helping.” More or less this will probably just piss him off, but isn’t that the point? Do what you want and then show you don’t care. Either he’ll leave or you’ll have your own personal doormat. It’s a win/win for you.


Remember, if all else fails you can always mount your roommate and ride him like the little bitch pony he is.

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