Whether you’re a wide-eyed freshman or a seasoned senior, living with someone new can be tough. You never know what kind of person you’ll be cohabitating with for the next 2 semesters, so it’s imperative to establish yourself as the alpha as early as possible. So break out your spiral notebooks kids, class is in session.
On the very first day, sit on the couch… and stare.
Just stare. When they nervously make eye contact (because they will) squint your eyes ever so slightly and flare your nostrils. This is the primitive way of defending your territory. Don’t waver, no matter what they’re doing. Binge watching Grey’s Anatomy? Death stare. Eating leftovers from Charra? Death stare. Using the restroom? Death stare from the other side of the door. Let them know you can smell fear.
Switch on all the lights when you come home from Brick at 3 a.m.
Nothing says “I don’t give a rat’s ass about your schedule” like waking someone up with an eyeful of fluorescent light. If that doesn’t make them stir, start singing the most obnoxious club remix you can think of and dance really close to their bed, letting the stench of the 2 trashcans you just chugged waft over them. Just make sure to make a huge stink if (and when) your roommate does the same to you.
Passive-aggressively change the thermostat.
72 degrees? More like EIGHTY SEVEN. But be sure to mix it up a little too, you don’t want your roomie getting too used to a certain temp. The key here is to make it almost identical to the weather outside, that way hanging out in your living room is just as miserably cold as their 20 minute walk to Peabody.
Pee on their stuff.
It’s the old fashioned way, folks. Dogs do it, cats do it, why can’t people do it? Pee on their personal belongings until their closet begins to smell like a music festival port-o-potty. Make them wear your pee-stench as a cologne so your will becomes ingrained in their unconscious. After about a month of washing their hair with shampee, they might actually start to do your bidding. Or they might just get really pissed off. Let us know how this one works out.
Snuggle in their bed.
Won’t it be such a lovely surprise when your roommate comes home to find you sitting upright in their newly-made bed? That’s the best way to say “hey, nothing is sacred here.” Really make sure you get nice and cuddly under those comforters – bonus points are given for sitting on their pillow. Pink eye, schmink eye!
Sit directly next to them.
That is, if they took your spot on the couch (see: Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory). Or sit on top of them. It doesn’t really matter as long as they’re extremely uncomfortable, because they will eventually move. And that’s just another win for your team.
Becoming the alpha dog isn’t as hard as it sounds, all it really takes are some animal instincts, and a high tolerance for uncomfortable situations. So go forth and assert your dominance, but also be prepared to have a not-so-friendly meeting with your RA.