Let’s admit it, you don’t want to ever interact with people when you’re on your way to and from class (or ever, really). But, to your dismay, you walked through Kirkhof at noon when a club was tabling and trying to recruit members or just simply annoy you. It was awful, wasn’t it? We want to help you avoid interaction at all costs because we know how frightening it is to have to make awkward small talk with a complete stranger. To help prevent this, we put together a how to of what to do when approached by different tabling groups.
Frat Bros/ Sorority Girls:
Typically, Greek life only wants people that look obviously “cool” and outgoing. Your job here is to look as uncool as possible, which should be easy as you are the Vice President of the GVSU Renaissance Club. slouch as you walk, look at your feet, and avoid all eye contact; you don’t want to give them hope that you have a personality.
Why would you want to buy some expensive-ass ring that you’ll never wear? If you see the salesperson start towards you, immediately drop to the floor and barrel roll out of there. Let ‘em screw over some other sucker.
The environmental groups will make you feel like shit for not being 100% invested in being environmentally friendly. Walk up to their table, take said table, and slam-dunk that shit in the nearest compost bin. You’ll have both avoided interaction as well as shown how Earth-friendly you are.
Hippie Petitioner People:
The hippie people trying to save baby seals from being clubbed will definitely want to involve you in a conversation that will take at least two minutes. You don’t give a heck about seals! The only way to prevent them from guilt-tripping you is to club them yourself. Take the nearest blunt object (nothing too hard, no serious sue-able damage) and smash. They’re so high they probably won’t even know what hit them.
You haven’t exercised since high school and you know it. The freshman fifteen fifty hit you pretty hard thanks to Fresh, so rather than risk the humiliation of being asked about exercise-related anything, you need to get by their table as fast as possible. You should muster up any athleticism that you still have and jump up and over their table before they get a chance to talk to you. By doing this, you’ll be less sweaty than if you had engaged in conversation. Or you could just go the other way.
Generally Weird Clubs:
Do you remember those kids you used to beat up in high school? Well they’re in college now and have joined forces. One socially awkward nerd is easy to avoid, but a whole group of mouth-breathers will wreak havoc on your day. To break their barrier, you’ll need to use your Kamehameha technique (that you thankfully learned during your Dragon Ball Z phase in middle school) and send those nerds flying.
With this list, we hope that you’ll be able to conquer Kirkhof during prime hours without making awkward conversation or eye contact. Thanks to our evasion techniques, no one will realize how socially inept you are or your hatred for socialization!