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How To Become an Immortal Hashinger Stoop Kid in 5 Easy Steps

There is a magical place on campus, a place where time and space do not exist. For those of you living on Daisy Hill, you know exactly what we’re talking about, the front steps of Hashinger Hall. It is there that you will find the immortals of campus. You can walk by any time, day or night, and there will be the same group of kids, sitting, smoking, playing music, and generally having a good time. The odd thing is, that they never seem to leave. Are they immortal? Do they know they haven’t left? Are they even aware of the world around them anymore? Do they use vegan hair dye? And how do they sustain themselves? A diet of cigarettes and music can only last so long. These questions and more make up the motivation to learn more about the immortal stoop dwellers of KU.

 

Regardless, being the fearless reporters that we are over here at The Black Sheep, we decided to try our hand at being an immortal stoop dweller. Here are the steps to becoming one of the legends.

 

Step 1: Introduce Yourself

This is relatively straightforward. Just greet them and say something like “Hi, I’m Ethan, and I am definitely not a lizard wearing human skin.” This will be sure to relieve their suspicions that you are a lizard in a human skin, as well as letting them know what your name is.

 

Step 2: Offer Them Some Cigarettes

Much like an 80s high school, most of the population of the steps smokes. Actually, the culture surrounding the steps is remarkably similar to an 80’s high school, (albeit with much more hula hooping). Everything’s there, the leather jackets, the laid-back attitude, the neon leggings, the aviators, and the large dance numbers centered around a car. Ok, maybe we’re just thinking of Grease now.

 

Step 3:  Have Some Sort of Dye in Your Hair

This is essential. We had someone sitting on the steps explain to me that their particular brand of hair dye was ‘vegan’. Now, we had no idea that hair dye needed food to sustain itself, let alone that it was self aware enough to make a conscious decision to avoid animal products in any form. However, we did notice that this particular’s girl’s hair seemed insistent on telling everyone around it how vegan it was, and how eating meat was ruining our digestive systems.

 

Step 4: Remind Them of How Little You are Like a Lizard

Be sure to show off your human features, and remind them of how not like a lizard’s they are. It always helps to reaffirm your human-ness when around other homo-sapiens.

 

Step 5: Just be a Genuine Person

Regardless of what other people might think of them, the step dwellers are all doing the same thing we all are, making the most out of our college experience. Whether that be going to frat parties every weekend, dancing in the boom boom room at the hawk, just watching Netflix in your dorm room, or being just a normal, non lizard, immune to time, college kid on the stoop of Hashinger Hall, so far, everyone seems to be having a grand old time at KU.

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