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How To Become The Market Kleptomaniac


Did you know that a single swipe into Market is $11? That’s right, eleven. Eleven precious, real-life, American dollars. For what, you ask? One meal, if that? No, that will not do. As poor college students it is not only our duty, but our right, to stretch that eleven dollars to its full potential. Here are some ways you can spend every last penny when going to Market, even if it’s only for a quick bite.


DISCLAIMER: Okay, none of this is stealing because technically you paid for it, so let’s get that out of the way.


Steal Some Dining Utensils:

You could save oh so much money on paper plates and plastic sporks when you can just sneak a nice plate or a few spoons out of Market. Plus, think about it. You will be saving the environment and cutting down on waste so much by using real dinnerware that you were otherwise too cheap to purchase yourself. It’s a win-win for all involved.


Snag Some Fruit:

This one is a no-brainer. Why spend money at a grocery store for a bunch of bananas or a bag of oranges when you can fit probably twenty pieces of fruit in a backpack each time you hit up market? It’s a healthy way to snack when you’re already paying for subpar food, and it’s easy to carry out unscathed. Plus, it has so many uses! Did you know some people smoke weed out of apples? Look it up.


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Grab a Jug of Milk:

Since you’re already carrying out a load of produce, might as well grab some milk while you’re out, too! At Market to Go, a jug of milk costs roughly $5. That is just ridiculous, considering you can buy an entire pizza for almost that much (RIP Antoon’s and Sorrento’s $5). Recycle your plastic container for more Earth friendliness and fill it up with whatever dairy product your heart desires.


Lift Donuts for Your Next Meeting:

Is your club too poor to have a catered meeting? Stress no more. Bring in that empty Dunkin box that has been on your kitchen counter for over a week during breakfast, and work some magic. The employees won’t even suspect a thing, they’ll just assume you brought in some donuts to share with your friends at everyone’s favorite meeting place. You can even lift some of that blueberry bread that was made by the heavens, too. That shit is so good.


Take Away an Entire Meal:

In the end, we all know that $11 is not just the price of one meal, but realistically two. So, once you finish your dinner and soft serve (if the machine is even working), grab your handy-dandy Tupperware and very stealthily shove as much food as you can into that thing. Anything you want, we don’t care. Pizza, fries, literally whatever the hell you want. You paid for this shit. The stir-fry microwaves really well, and the grilled chicken is a good midnight snack, just for the record.


So Panthers, run free to Market, and take away what you deserve. In the end, we pay an ungodly amount of money to go here, so why not take advantage? You have earned it.


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