Well, here we are. It’s almost April, school’s just about finished, and there are barely any assignments left to salvage the meager grade you’ve maintained over the semester. Through laziness, stupidity, apathy, or even a combination of the three, you’ve managed to sink yourself into a hole that seems nigh impossible to free yourself from. So what the hell do you do? Lucky for you, we’re no stranger to salvaging passing grades from piles of failure, and now we’ll pass my knowledge onto you.
Even if you’re not a math major, it’s time to whip out that calculator and calculate how many possible points are left in the semester to see if it’s even worth your time to put in an effort. Obviously, if you realize you’re screwed beyond reparation you might as well just kick back and ride the rest of the class out like the failure that you are. However, if there’s even a slimmer of hope left, keep reading.
The shift to high gear:
So you now know there’s a shot. Maybe not a shot of getting an A or a B, but as the ancient proverb goes, “C’s get degrees,” so that’s what we’re going for. Here, you’re going to have to do something you probably never once in your life considered: work hard. Even saying those two words leaves a bad taste in the mouth.
Chances are you aren’t the only failure in your class(es), so now it’s time to take advantage of strength in numbers. Separately, you might all be slackers, but together you can create one competent student. So put on your war paint and prepare your best Braveheart-inspired speech. It’s time to pass a class.
This rarely works, but at this point you’re almost out of options. Talk to your professor and find out if there is anything that you can do to bring your grade up, be it an extra-credit paper, getting your lowest test grade dropped, or doing menial labor. “Whatever it takes,” should be your motto at this point. Add a wink after you say it and you’ll be in business.
The last stand:
This is pretty much your final option, when you’ve exhausted all other possibilities and you don’t know how else you could bring your grade up. A method for the truly desperate (and insane), this plan involves getting hit by one of the campus buses and letting God take the wheel. The last stand works on two levels: you survive and the college pays your tuition (and the new semester you’ll have because of the classes you failed) or you die and you’re free of all earthly restraints like school and loan debt. Either way, it’s a win-win.
In closing, the slacker lifestyle might seem fun at times, but it really never does you any good in the long run. Hopefully, you can learn from your experience this semester and get your shit together in the future. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go play video games instead of submitting this article… Hey, I’ll get to it! Just give me a few minutes…