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How to Crush on Your Professor Without Looking Like a Total Idiot

New crushes can often stir up a whirlwind of emotion and chaos. There’s just nothing like that initial feeling of blissful unawareness regarding anything or anyone else in the world. But in some cases, those gross childish butterflies in your stomach can quickly morph into anxiety attacks and unhealthy eating (but really drinking) patterns—particularly in cases involving someone with power over you—namely, a hot professor. Here are five helpful ways to survive the end of your already shitty semester without looking like a sleep-deprived idiot in front of bae. Oops, professor. Professor Bae. Awwww.


5.) Skip Class:

Don’t feel like torturing yourself by hanging on to every perfect, academia soaked, dry-erase word your PhD (swoon) instructor has to share this morning? There are literally two days of classes left…just don’t go! If you aren’t in class, they won’t be able to see your creepy Peeta Mellark stare, or worse: those cupid hearts you drew on your notebook last week while doing experimental Professor + your name 4ever! doodles (when you really should have been taking notes because, let’s face it, you’re probably gonna fail that final next week). Just go study in Middleton instead.


4.) Don’t Ever Raise Your Hand:

Decided to stick it out and go to class today? You’ve made it this far, so do not, under any circumstances, raise your damn hand. If you have some clever/intriguing/what-if-this-comment-makes-them-fall-in-love-with-me wisdom to impart on the class, don’t share it. Why would you risk revealing sweat-stained armpits for a naïve opinion that will most likely end in some type of nervous dog-shaking and stuttering. Never, ever, risk that. Mystery is key.


3.) Research the Shit Out Of Everything:

Since you obviously had to go to some of your betrothed’s lectures, this means you’ll have an exam or essay due next week during finals…and you’re gonna want to sound intelligent. So instead of half-assing the assignment with a “C’s get degrees” attitude like you do in all of your other classes, do the research this time! Carefully dissect your notes so that you’re fully capable of acing that bitch. Then wipe the pizza off of your face, pop an addy, and come up with some Einstein-sounding bullshit that would make your momma proud.


2.) Have an End-of-the-Semester Meeting with Your Professor Soon? Shots, Shots, Shots!:

Privately meeting with a professor to discuss grades is always a drag, but having to meet with one that you can hardly look at without imagining a 50 Shades fantasy, well it’s going to take some courage. Liquid courage. Hide a flask in your backpack the day of your appointment. Then right before the meeting slip into the bathroom and down that shit like it’s Pepto Bismol after Taco Bell. You got this.


1.) Friend Request Them on Facebook and Hope for the Best:

IF you happen to survive the end of the semester without blowing your big secret, it should be noted that they’re no longer your professor. So maybe you’ve started wondering if the feeling is mutual. And if it is mutual, what can be done about it? Since EVERYONE is on social media these days and you’ve no doubt already stalked him/her on Facebook and Twitter (and probably Tinder, you dirty freak), go ahead and (take a shot or ten of tequila first) send them a friend request. Just be sure to cancel it the first thing in the morning after nursing that hangover. Or slip your number under their office door. Yeah, do that instead.


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