Alright, we’ve been patient for a good year now, but it’s time we got a straight answer to the burning question of our sweet Spartan souls: Is Ben Affleck coming back to MSU or what? It seems only yesterday he boarded the spaceship known as the Eli and Edythe Broad Art Museum and then quickly made his escape from our hearts, leaving nothing more than a memory and an empty bottle of hair gel. Fear no more! We’ve come up with a list of tricks to surely get Benny Boy back into our loving arms where he truly belongs.
Shine the Bat Signal:
Once you go bat you never go back. After filming Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice in our midst, it’s hard for Ben to not jump back into character when it comes to anything East Lansing. Just shine the good ole Bat Signal from the top of Beaumont Tower, and see those Academy Award-winning legs come running. Who knows, maybe we’ll even get Christian Bale to show up to campus. Truly a win-win.
Put Out a Bowl of Uncle Ben’s Rice:
As Ben once said in an interview, “Uncle Ben’s or I’m leaving this restaurant.” Give the man Zatarain’s or Minute Rice and you best be prepared for some table flipping. It might sound a bit narcissistic, someone only eating food with their name in the title, but there’s more to it than meets the eye. Turns out, Ben’s mom used to tell him that he was named after Uncle Ben, that this was HIS Uncle Ben, just so he would eat his dinner. Sadly he still believes it, and no one’s man enough to tell him at this point. Set out a steaming bowl of rice on your doormat and let Ben take care of the rest.
Hold Matt Damon Hostage:
Yeah, it’s a bit ludicrous, but just tell Damon you’re filming the next five Jason Bourne movies, and he’s all in. Matt and Ben go way back, and there’s nothing that’s gonna get Ben running back to MSU like the bond of childhood friendship. They wrote an entire screenplay on goodwill and hunting, so you better believe Ben is gonna find it in his heart to track his “wicked smaht” buddy down. Ah, nothing like the bond of Boston brothers.
The Aflac Duck:
What kind of duck is passionate about insurance? None, that’s what kind. A while back, some Aflac employees went to the park, heard this duck quacking for help, and instead of helping him, used him for their own advertising advantage. You think you hear Aflac, but what you’re really hearing that poor duck screech for eternity is “Affleck.” It’s a classic celebrity-separated-from-his-beloved-duck tale, and it’s about time they were reunited once and for all. So please, for the love of all that is holy, get that duck to East Lansing.
There’s no one who knows Ben Affleck like the people who were briefly in the same 10-mile radius as him, so take it from the pros and throw a couple of these on for size. These tricks are one in a million, and by that we mean if there were a million Ben Affleck’s in the world, only one would actually show up. Not a good chance, but it’s a chance we’re willing to take. Good luck!