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How to Implement Your Psych Degree Before Graduating

 

Psychology is one of those degrees that everyone and their mother scoffs at. It’s “too general” and it “requires doctorate level education.” To them we say “screw it” and continue our long…dreadful…agonizing education until one day we can kind of sort of help someone. But, before you graduate, you may feel like you’re losing hope. To that we say, don’t lose hope! Just illegally practice different tactics you learned from PSY 101 and put them to good use.

 

Classical Conditioning:

 

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Ivan Pavlov is probably the most well-known, or maybe just the easiest, psychologist to remember in the terms of what he did. He experimented with dog’s saliva, and if that isn’t already cool enough, he got them to salivate on command (just a refreshers). You can use his idea of classical conditioning on those around you.

 

Roommate leaving dishes unwashed/doing too many people? Simply implement Pavlov’s conditioning to train your roommate to avoid these things. Give him/her a special treat every time they do the dishes by clicking one of those dog-training clickers and feeding her a piece of chocolate. Or set fire to his/her bed so she’ll stop having THE LOUDEST SEX IN THE WORLD. That’s not actually classical conditioning, but it’ll get the job done.

 

Fear Tactics:

 

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Another option are the fear tactics derived from Little Albert’s experimentation. Use loud noises to reinforce fear in your enemies by pairing it with something they love.

 

Say your arch-nemesis really loves hamburgers, well the best thing to do to get them to hate their favorite food is to scare it away from them. Buy a gun, and whenever they go to take a bite of a burger, shoot off a blank to scare them shitless. Eventually the gunshot will be paired with the burger and will do nothing but spike fear in the cholesterol filled heart of that burger lover. Meanwhile, their terrified shrieks will be music to your little bastard ears.

 

Reverse Psychology:

 

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This is basically something you do every day anyway with your mom and significant other: “I mean, I’d love to do the laundry but you do it so much better,” or maybe “No that’s fine I REALLY LOVE WHEN I GET NOTHING FOR VALENTINE’S DAY.” Get the people around you to play themselves without even realizing it and have them do your bidding without you having to lift a finger.

 

Psychology can be a fun, interesting, and totally dominating field to study. You can learn to modify behavior, train someone to do something you want, and invoke the fear of the gods into their souls. As long as they don’t know that you’re implementing what you learned in class on them, you totally won’t get in trouble with the law or the IRB since you never actually professionally practiced. So go have some fun while you still can (before all those dissertations for your doctorate program) and screw with a few people. It’s the last time you can before it because “unethical” and “illegal.”

 

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