Us girls have all been through the drama of losing our virginities; whether it was really romantic with a boyfriend who said we were his first, or if it was bent over the bathroom sink at a frat party because we realized that that was the perfect time to just “get it over with” according to our young college-freshman logic.
However, normal sex gets boring, so why not strive to be the freak that the guy (whose name you’ll forget in a day) tells his friends about? The best way to do this is to let him stick it where the sun don’t shine: right up your butthole. This little self-esteem boost could go a long way, plus most of us have some daddy issues to take care of. Think of it as killing two birds with one stone. There are a few rules you must adhere to in order to execute this unusual feat with class.
First thing’s first, you must dress like a lady WITHOUT revealing your Greek letters to him. You can’t just let some guy put it in your butt without at least trying to look like you have some semblance of self-respect, and you don’t want to give your entire sorority the reputation of “girls who are down for anal.” For this, we recommend a powdered wig, a hoop skirt, an old-fashioned corset, or even a combination of the three. If you approach a man looking like a high-class 1800s ho, he’ll be more likely to want to wrong-hole you on purpose. ‘Cause you’ll look like a proper lady.
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Next, you must be cross-faded by any means necessary. That way you won’t feel the sex. The whole goal of having butt sex is not to feel it. Any of it. Just because you consented, doesn’t mean your lower colon did. You shouldn’t even be able to feel your own hands, and most certainly not his tears rolling down your back as he weeps for joy since he finally gets to put his junk right where you defecate.
You must also make sure to choose someone who you’re pretty sure has a small penis. Think back to people you’ve hooked up with in the past. Which one owns the biggest truck? Which one likes to challenge other guys to masculine competitions when they’re drunk, like fights or chugging contests? And above all, which ones seem the cockiest? (Pun very heavily intended.)
After you’ve located Mr. McNotThatImpressive, all you have to do from there is bite the pillow and hope you pass out from the general shock of something entering your ass instead of leaving it. After the worst is over and you slowly creep out of his room the next morning to find some ice for your butt and some leftover booze to nurse your sense of self-worth, it’s all smooth sailing from there. And now you get to check one more sexual endeavor off of your list and add another point to disqualify you from playing the game “never have I ever” with your friends. Success.
After you’ve completed these steps, the satisfaction of reaching a goal that you never knew you could will be more rewarding than anything you could ever imagine. Being able to say that you went where very few women have gone before is something that not many people get to say, and now you can. Go you!