There’s nothing like being home for the holidays: sleeping until noon, changing from sweatpants into sweatpants, and embarking on Netflix marathons until your eyes bleed. Heaven, right? It was until every mom in your hometown asked their returned college kid to go pick up black olives for her seven layer dip, including yours. Don’t worry, we’ve come up with the most effective and mature ways of dodging the bullet that is your teenage, angst-filled past, so try one of these numbers on for size and sprout into the antisocial butterfly you were born to be.
Distract them with a puppet show:
Everybody loves a good puppet show, and what better way to divert attention from yourself than with a couple of adorable, half-bodied animals? You’re gonna have to do voices, that’s a given, but it’s better than asking how their dog is and trying to fill the awkward silence when you find out it’s dead. Just start off with a couple of these babies from the get-go to avoid debates on if All Dogs Go to Heaven is valid or not. You can duck out at intermission as they all turn to each other to discuss if Mr. Monkey really framed Mrs. Cat for insurance fraud, as well as if he will ever get over his celeb crush Jodie Foster and find true love for himself.
Grab a cart and start pushing it away from civilization:
What better way to sneak away from your haunting, adolescent past than joining the employee crew? You don’t even need their uniform to make it believable. Anyone pushing a cart that size means business, and nobody is gonna stop you to see if you remember how Jake almost had a peanut reaction that one time. So grab one to one of these babies, start pushing it to a back door that could lead to god knows where, but anything’s better than forcefully reminiscing in extreme detail how you shot the winning basket against your own PE team freshman year. In the brilliant words of Salt-N-Pepa: “ah, push it” and “p-push it real good.”
Threaten to joust them with a baguette:
Bryan coming towards you to ask if you got any Pokemon cards to trade? Nameless girl coming to ask for a ride since you carpooled with her once to a choir concert? Time to throw down the gauntlet and end this the only way you know how: baguette jousting. If they aren’t threatened and accept the challenge, you better know what you’re doing; they don’t make bread that long for nothing. Others will see you’ve clearly gone crazy in your time away from town and avoid you and your baguette at all costs, making you the most successful breadwinner of them all.
Nobody’s gonna look for you between the Charmin and the generic brand toilet paper, it’s not really your style, which is exactly why it’s gonna work. On the off chance that they catch sight of your entire head sticking out from the wall, or trip over your shoes that are directly in their walk way, at least you can drop a fire mixtape aka the 2016 version of “Trapped in the Closet” even R. Kelly can appreciate. Now you’re rich, and your butler can get the groceries and reminisce on your high school memories you’re trying to forget. Truly a win-win.
If there’s one thing we believe in, it’s that Dantonio will save us all. But if there’s two things we believe in, it’s that and keeping the past the past. Use these tricks and hurry home where you can bask in the golden years of college and drown your high school memories with the MSU fight song on loop while scrolling through endless dank, Jim Harbaugh owning memes.